The Purpose of a Journal

I have to admit that I'm terrible at writing in a journal. Always have good intentions, but never quite make it there. As I started this blog I knew it was important for me to record our family's journey through mortality. I especially knew it was crucial for me to record our journey with Graham, for our future reference as well as the future reference of our children and posterity. I started with this blog as well hoping that maybe it might help a mother in the future that faces a similar trial with losing a baby. That this record might give her a little hope, to show her and others how good God is and that he leads us by the hand to overcome our trials. Today I was reminded again of how important it is to write in a journal. To record our lives for our posterity to read someday. Maybe to learn from some of our experiences. I read this blog today and she relates to losing a child. A few of her grandparents had lost babies as well, but had passed on and she wished she could have turned to them for advice to overcoming her loss. She wished that they would have written in a journal for her to go back and read. To see that God led them just as he does us today. So on days when I feel like my blog is too much, that it's too honest and too personal and that I don't want to share all of that with the world, I remind myself that I promised my Heavenly Father I would show the world His importance and the importance of His Son, Jesus Christ. How important They are in my life, how They carry me when I feel like I can't keep going. And They will carry us all in our times of need

A Crazy Busy Week

New story of my life, it seems like we're always crazy busy! Busy with kids, work, church and everything in between. This week was busier than most, but super good. Sunday was our Primary program and Mitch did a great job as usual. I can tell he's getting older because he told me he wasn't going to sing when he got up there, but he's not too old yet because he was singing his little heart out. Libby was so disappointed that she couldn't go up, (bummer part of having a January birthday). I love the new primary songs they add every year and the new song "I Know That My Savior Loves Me" was awesome and brought me to tears.



Libby has been in a little Pre-K choir and this week was their first concert. It was so cute and she's been singing ever since. A few of their songs were about fishing and they were so funny.

Finding their places on stage. The kids were so wiggly during the concert, it was so funny, mostly because it wasn't Libby being super wiggly (it's always better when it's not your kid)!

Johnny Works with Two Hammers

"Minnows, minnows everywhere. They're swimming in my underwear! AHHHH!"

One of their funny songs

On Friday Mike and my dad took the kids fishing and they had a great time. They caught quite a few fish and were very proud of them! Libby was more interested in the hot dog roasting than fishing, but overall Mike said she did pretty good.

Mike's Golden Trout. Kinda creepy looking!

We've had a week full of Halloween festivities as well! Between story time and school parties and Halloween carnivals things were a little crazy. I kept telling myself to get pics of the kids early in the week, but I thought I'd get them on Saturday, but Mitch came down with the stomach flu and so they didn't go trick or treating. I was bummed that Mitch was sick because we had planned to stay the weekend in Salt Lake with my cousin Allison and her family, but it seems like whenever we have something planned with Al and her family one of our kids always get sick. Libby and I still made it down to Salt Lake for my Uncle Ted and Josie's wedding and had a great time with my parents, Marcus, and the crew at the wedding! So that's a condensed version of our week. Hopefully next week won't be quite so crazy busy.

Bowling with the Scouts

A couple of months ago I was called as the new scout leader in our ward, over the 8 year olds. So far it's been pretty fun, and kinda crazy with a bunch of 8 year olds running around but we've been busy. One week as part of their activity we got to go bowling. Of course Libby is coming with us and having a blast with all the boys and Mitch has been able to come a couple of months early.

The Little Reminders

These last few days I've been feeling pretty good, with the exception of Sunday because Sundays are always super hard. I've been trying to take some big leaps of faith and try and stay more positive and happy with some major coaxing from Mike. And for the most part, it's worked and I've been happier and able to focus more on the future and not on the past. Today I took Libby to our library's story time. Today was their Halloween party and so everyone dresses up and goes around to a few of the high school classrooms to "trick or treat" It was pretty crazy, with lots of little kids and moms running around. I was glad to be there with Libby because she has so much fun, but I kept hearing "Graham, come back here Graham." As my heart about pounded out of my chest I thought to myself that this kid's name wasn't Graham, it was Grant or something else. But then over and over and over I heard the name Graham. So I look around to see who it was and it was a little boy, probably around 1 and his mom was chasing him all over. Every time she said his name I just felt like I was getting stabbed or kicked or punched. I kept telling myself that it was so STUPID to feel this way because there are going to be plenty of "Grahams" in the world and I'm going to hear his name all the time. But really I don't hear that name much and so when I do, it's a painful little reminder. Really a stupid little reminder that makes me fall back into my not so happy little world. And for some reason, the little reminders hurt the most.

The Terrible Tooth

So I need another picture, but this one will have to do for now.

We've been fighting with Mitch to get this loose tooth out for the last couple of weeks. It has been the hardest, most painful thing for Mitch to get it out, but yet he's mad that he's one of the last ones his age to lose one of his top teeth. So tonight as we were getting ready for bed I had Mitch lay down with me so I could wiggle his tooth for a minute, he wasn't going to let Mike touch it (he already burned his bridges by wiggling too much) So I wiggled and wiggled and then tied a piece of floss around his tooth and let him tug at it, and then he wanted the floss off, but it wouldn't come off because it was so far under his tooth. So I told Mitch the only way he was getting the floss off was to pull out his tooth, and then I lost it, I couldn't quit laughing, and then he threw a HUGE tantrum and Mike came up because he couldn't believe how ridiculous Mitch was being. Mike was tired of listening to him, so he grabbed the floss, picked Mitch up off the floor with the string ( a little exaggerated) and then POP, the tooth flew out. Mitch cried and cried some more, and Libby cried and cried too. And we searched for the tooth, finally found it and got it ready for the tooth fairy. Boy, that was one terribly, traumatic, tooth-pulling experience, and Mitch made sure to tell me that the reason he didn't want to lose his tooth was that a "new, big, weird tooth would grow in and he'd look funny." You're right Mitch, you're gonna look kinda funny for a while with your new, big tooth.

Faith, Fear & Doubt

My faith has been strengthened ten-fold this last year. My testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and thier plan for us is so much stronger. And I know that Heavenly Father controls all things, that He gets what He wants, and that He does things to help us and to bring us happiness. The issue now is that the Devil seems to be working ten-fold as well, putting lots of fear and doubt into my mind. He doesn't make me doubt God or His goodness or His plan, he makes me doubt myself. He makes me feel so unsure and scared of the future. The future for me and for my family. I find myself at times paralyzed by both the fear and doubt. I tell myself over and over that this is not good, that these feelings don't come from our Heavenly Father, but that they are put there to hold be back from progressing. This week I've come across many old quotes and many new about faith, and they help remind me that things aren't always easy, but that I need to have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that all these things are for my benefit.



"We cannot know what faith is if we have never had it, and we cannot obtain it as long as we deny it. Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other." -President Thomas S. Monson



"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're hanging on to." -Author Unknown

"On the road to Salvation let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts." -Elder Bushe

First Annual Pumpkin Carving

During Halloween we usually just paint faces, or draw faces (lame) but easy with little kids. This year Mitch was dead set on carving pumpkins. So we started our first annual pumpkin carving night.

Mitch was so excited until we cut the top off and told him to take out the "guts" He freaked out and thought it was so disgusting and wouldn't do it. So Mike and I got all the pumpkins gutted and ready to carve. Mitch did pretty good carving, Libby lost interest real quick. It was a fun night and we ended up with some cute pumpkins.

Our finished products!

Hurried Child is a Stressed Child

I was reading through this blog today. It's a well known blog around here. The Sullengers lost their little girl in an accident this summer. As I was reading through her blog today I came across this video she made about the book "The Hurried Child" As I was reading her blog I was reminded again to take time to enjoy life because you never know when someone you love will be gone. Take time to play with your kids. Let them know you really love them, even though all the other work you are doing is to give them a good life, the work waits. Take time to play. Let your kids do something other than what's in their daily schedule. Let them stay up past bed time once in a while. Take more pictures and just enjoy life more fully. You never know when someone's life work is finished and it's time for them to move on.

A Mother's Perspective

A mother's perspective of her children is always biased, as it should be. Lately Mitch and Libby have been driving me crazy. They were both out for harvest break and so there was a lot of time together, which means a lot of teasing and fighting, and a little bit of loving each other. I've also been super busy with a new job and been pretty edgy lately. So I've been trying really hard to focus on all the good things about my kids. The best time to do this is when they're asleep. They are so peaceful and calm and not fighting with each other. As I looked at my kids several times these last couple of weeks I realized how even as naughty and imperfect they might be at times I'm always gravitated to the perfection in them. As I looked at Mitch I notice that he's a long, lean, not so little boy anymore. He reminds me daily that next month he'll be eight and get to be baptized. He's so excited for his baptism day and he's very conscientious about choosing the right. I look at him and see how he's transformed from this crazy baby boy, with chunky cheeks and spiky hair into a crazy big boy, who's super skinny, with some new "sun kisses" on his face, with dirty fingernails from playing hard outside.

Libby has transformed too. She was the sweetest baby on earth and now she's a little (well, not so little) chunky monkey. The term "sugar and spice" fits her perfectly. She is such a sweet little girl, but definitely has an attitude. She's turned into quite the little mother and really wants to be a big girl. When we play during the day she always wants to be the mom and I"m the little girl. Someday she'll be all grown up and I'll be sad.

At night my mind turns to Graham. Mostly because I don't have as much time to think about him during the day. At night when I lay in bed I try to remember all I can about him because I'm so afraid of forgetting. But the thing that surprises me the most is that I can only remember his perfect hands and feet, and sweet little body. His perfect little lips, his button nose, and his genuine eyes. I remember his light hair and his sweet spirit, but I don't remember his imperfections. Sometimes I feel like I can't remember his face, or him as a whole, but I think I don't remember the imperfections because he will be perfect when I see him again.

I'm grateful to have this perspective of my "perfect" kids. Mostly to remind me of how much Heavenly Father has blessed me. But also to get me through those days where all I can see is their imperfections :)

A Great Weekend

Mike scored some tickets this last week to go to conference in Salt Lake this weekend, so we made some quick plans for the kids and called our friends Caleb and Sarah to go with us. We left Friday night because we had tickets to the Saturday morning session and we didn't want to be in a big hurry. We got to eat at Maddox's (YUM!) on the way down and then hit a late movie and got a couple hours of sleep. Our hotel had a great view of the temple and so that was really fun. Conference was great, as usual, we got to listen to some of our favorite speakers, Elder Holland, President Uchdorf, and of course President Monson. The Tabernacle Choir was FABULOUS. All in all a great day. We ended our trip with lunch at P.F. Changs and a little stroll around the Gateway Mall. Then today we had brunch with my parents, watched a little conference, had a nice long nap, watched more conference and headed back to my parents' house for my grandma's birthday dinner. It's nice to be spriritually uplifted, physically rejunvenated, and mentally ready to get back to the grind of motherhood, and a new job. (Just more working from home, but longer hours) And Libby came up with a makeshift baby brother, Graham. It's her monkey. Cute, but really a little bittersweet.