Today it has snowed all day and I've sat and watched it out the window and loved sitting inside my house, next to a warm fire, baking banana bread, and reading books. The kids are outside building snowmen and loving the fresh snow. Today we had to run into town with Mike and I bought a Christmas present for Mitch and perusing gift ideas for others. The holidays are quickly creeping in and I thought that I would be so excited for them, but right now I'm not so sure. Right now I'm having lots of feelings and memories flooding my mind right now. At this time last year we were so excited to go to the doctor for the first time. My appointment was November 9th, not even sure why I can remember that date. We were so excited to be having another baby and we were planning on breaking the news to everyone on Christmas day. But I remember vividly having the feeling that something wasn't quite right, but I kept reassuring myself that things were fine and that I was overreacting. I remember going to the doctor, hearing the news, and trying to keep things together while I met with Dr. Robison. I remember being upset and leaving the office. Going to tell Mike and going home to get Libby. I remember being at lunch and having Dr. Robison call and give me more information about the condition and the likelihood of survival. I remember calling my mom that day and telling her what was going on. I never thought that I would tell her there was another grandbaby, but that it probably wasn't going to make it. I remember last Thanksgiving being somber. The first without my aunt, and I was filled with worry about how things would turn out with the baby. I remember praying and praying and praying that things would fix themselves and that as we found ourselves at the next doctors appointment they would tell us everything was fine. And the next months would go on with more doctors appointments and more ups and downs. Last holiday season made me grateful for my Savior and His sacrifice for us.
This year my heart is full of gratitude for the experience that Graham has given me. For his sweet little life, and the joy that he brought. This holiday season is so exciting in so many ways because Michael will be home from his mission and we get to spend Christmas in Hawaii, but at the same time these are reminders that our time with Graham is over for now. Our life is moving forward. Libby asked me last night if Graham was in my belly again. I told her no and she asked why he couldn't go back in my belly so we could see him again at the hospital. And so many times I want to go back to last year, to live it one more time, just to take everything in and try and savor every last moment.
Lately I've had a hard time being thankful for all that I have right here and now. I've been focusing a lot on what I want and wish I had. Mostly focusing on Graham, and having him here. I read so many different blogs and see so many different people with special needs kids and it makes me really think I would rather have Graham here, with all his needs, then have him gone. I've had a lot of processing do to lately, but I came across this talk from Elder Wirthlin a couple of weeks ago that I used for my visiting teaching message, but really I think it was more for me. He talks about being thanful everyday for what you have now, not what you want or think you need in the past or in the future. Be thankful today. And I am very thankful, for my little family, for good friends and extended family, for the Gospel, and for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who know the plan much better than I and put things in place as they are needed. And give lots of comfort and encouragement when I feel like I need something different.
