Hope

This last week I've been bombarded, or so it seems with the message of hope. I've run across President Uchtdorf's talk "The Infinite Power of Hope" both in print form and on YouTube. I've read blog posts about hope during unexpected trials, I've been to church meetings and the hymns all have the message of hope in them and I can't seem to get hope off my mind. As a parent I think one of the greatest emotions you feel for your children is the hope you have for them and their future. I know my parents had great hopes for me when I was younger, and though things might not have gone as planned, I think they still love me and are happy for where I am. As I look at Mitch and Libby I have so many hopes for them. Hopes for the present and hopes for the future and I would give anything for them to reach those. As we face this trial with Graham my hope seems different for him. I hope the best for him, but I also put some of my selfish hopes in there, that the problems might not be as bad, or the Heavenly Father will grant us the healing miracle we've always hoped for. There are a few quotes I can't get out of my head from President Uchtdorf, He said "There may be times when we must make a courageous decision to hope, even when everything around us contradicts this hope." "Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches us that there is a reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us." My hopes for Graham will always be there, some days I hope for just few hours with him, maybe a few days, or weeks, or maybe we might be lucky enough to have him longer. But I won't let go of hope, I won't let anyone tell me not to get my hopes up, because if I let go of that hope, I'm giving into despair, and that won't do. During this Easter season, my hope and faith are in Jesus Christ and his Atonement that makes everything okay no matter the outcome.

Baby Update

Today I went to the perinatoligist. I think I was in and out in record time which made my day!!! Everything is looking good with the baby. He is measuring normal size, considering they can't get a real accurate measurement because of his head. We went over all the organs and whatnot to make sure everything else was still fine. His encephalocil is looking about the same size, still unable to tell exactly how much brain tissue is out of the skull. I told them I'd pass on the amniocentisis they suggested because if there are more problems I'll deal with it when he's here. I'm not a fan of the numbers they gave me for complications and I told them it was because 1 in 10,000 babies have an encephalocil and we were lucky number 1 this time around, so a 1 in 300 chance of having complications because of an amniocentisis wasn't making me too excited. Maybe I'm overreacting a bit, but oh well. The perinatologists were a bit frustrated with the Neurosurgeon we saw at PCMC and the fact that he couldn't give us much help, but we are trying to finalize delivery plans at U of U and Dr. Belfort gave me the name of the OB that will deliver me. I'll just have to make a trip down to SLC closer the my due date to meet with him. So overall, a pretty good day.

P.S. The doctor and the U/S tech both asked me how my mental health status was and all I could do was laugh. I told them it's been better, that the anxiety is really starting to kick in, but that I'm fine. They both laughed with me, probably trying to make me feel better, at least that's what I'm going to think. :)

Changes in Plans

*** The font is doing some funny things, so just ignore. ***

So today as I was browsing some blogs, I was looking at one of my favorote blogs by Lisa Leonard. Not only does she have some beautiful jewelry, but she shares the journey of her family and her experiences with having a child with special needs. This week she was a guest blogger on Life Rearranged where she wrote a fabulous piece on changes in our life plans. Just what I needed to hear today. Who isn't a planner???? Who really can fly by the seat of their pants???? NOT ME!!!!!
Really I've always had my life planned out and sure, there have been lots of bumps in the road and changes in plans, but I still have seemed to be able to make it, or am on the road to where I wanted to be. I wish I had more of that spontaneousness (don't even think that's a word) in me, but I don't and at this point in life, I'm hating the fact that I can't plan. I've hit the biggest speed bump in my life! I can't plan for anything right now. I can't plan to set up a nursery, but I can't plan a funeral. I can't plan for new a new carseat, or a casket. I can't even prepare myself for what is going to be once Graham is here, because we don't know. There might be more problems or fewer problems. Well, the one thing I can plan on is hopefully a delivery date, that Mike will be there, and that my Heavenly Father has a plan and will guide me through all of this. Changes in life are good, for the most part, and now I'm planning on trying to keep a positive attitude and going with the flow. This could be an interesting few months!

Life's Double Edged Sword

So this is the third post for the day, I've been putting off the blogging for a couple weeks, all because of this post. I've had to mull things around in my mind and try and figure out how to write them all down so they make some sense. For the last couple of weeks my mind has continually thought about having opposition in all things and that if we didn't have pain we wouldn't know joy and so on and so forth... and I'm feeling like life definitely is a double edged sword. My mind is stuck on one thought, "what if you can't stand things either way?" I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who has lost two children, one in particular with some special needs. She made the comment that it's extremely hard to lose children with special needs because you hate the outcome one way or another. I can't stand the thought of losing Graham, but I know that he will be whole and perfect, but I also can't stand the thought of Graham suffering through this life, because his body would be broken and I'm sure painful in many ways. I've run every scenario possible through my mind thinking of the outcome and with every outcome I'm still hurting. Hurting because he's gone, or hurting because he's here and I'm feeling selfish for wanting him here. So I feel like I've hit a rut and I'm stuck right now.

I'm dealing with people recognizing I'm pregnant now and have the usual pregnancy questions, but not knowing there are problems. I put on a happy face a tell them it's a boy, due in June, and we are super excited. Then people approach me who know the situation and they ask most of the same questions, but one question, although the same words, changes in meaning "Are you excited?" Let me be clear. We are thrilled to have Graham in our family, even though the outcome wasn't expected to be this way. Even though there is so much pain, there is so much joy. I'm so grateful to have him for the time that we do and I feel like I've known him forever. He already has a little personality, and I don't know if I'm noticing him more this time because of the problems, or if this is one of the blessing that I'm enjoying as his mother, to get to have him and know him during this short time. I saw a quote a few weeks ago that completely sums up my feelings right now about my children, Graham in particular right now.

"While we try to teach our children all about life,

our children teach us what life is all about."

-Angela Schwindt

The Paper Towel

So a couple of weeks ago we were sitting in the car wash and Libby had climbed out of her carseat and was playing. She cut her hand on something, I'm still not sure what it was, but it looked like a paper cut. Well, I didn't have any band-aids in the car so I just wrapped a napkin around it to dab a little blood. Little did I know that this would turn into a 10 day epidemic of having a paper towel wrapped around her hand. When we got home I offered to put a band-aid on and all she wanted was a paper towel secured with tape, whatever, it was cute the first day. 10 days later it was still pretty cute, but a bit ridiculous. She would wake up in the middle of the night if the paper towel fell of and demand a new one. Anytime it would get wet or dirty, we'd have to get a new one. And finally, she realized that the cut was gone (10 days later non the less). But it was quite the adventure and I have to admit that I can't get enough of this girl (even though she's looking pretty rough in the pictures)!!!! She has quite the little personality and has a mind of her own. I guess that's why we get along so well ;)

Patriotic Program

Mitch had a Patriotic Program and it turned out really cute. All the first grade classes performed different patriotic songs. My pics didn't turn out great, but they're here. Mitch sang a great song called "What's More American?" I wish I could have got some better video.

Mitch is getting so big, and we are so proud of him!

Never Doubt

On the road to Salvation let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. -Elder Bushe

Some Great Counsel

Today as I was reading through some blogs, I ran across this. It is amazing and just what I needed today. Take the time to watch it, everyone will gain something from it.

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