Joining the Club

I've just joined a new club.

Initiation was hard,

So hard, and so painful.

Everyday I wish I hadn't joined,

That I would have had a choice in the matter.

But now I'm a member,

A mother who has lost her child,

Just one of the many mothers in this club.

But these mothers are so loving and kind.

They understand how you feel,

They've walked in your shoes.

Many are strangers,

But become your best friends.

All are just wanting to help,

Help with what they can,

Which sometimes isn't much,

But the small things mean the world to a new member of this club.

The small notes of encouragement,

The tender hugs,

The acts of service,

Most unseen by others.

All to help ease the pain of another.

They are selfless women,

Who only want to save others from joining this club,

And enduring this pain.

I'm thankful for these women in my life.

For the strength they've been to me.

For helping me find my way through this journey.

And even though most days I wish I weren't a member,

I've vowed myself to helping others,

In whatever way they need,

To help ease the pain,

Just a little.

Bounteous Blessings

This weekend I have been so thankful for the bounteous blessing our Heavenly Father bestows upon us in every aspect of our lives. This weekend we went to Mesa Falls and Yellowstone National Park with our friends, the Diaz's. It was so nice to just get away for the day and to take time to reflect on the beauties of the earth. Heavenly Father blessed us to live in such a beautiful world. As I'm ou in nature it always strenthens my testimony of God and his great creations. The last couple weeks have been rough, a rollercoaster of emotions, which leave me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained most days. But as we spent time this weekend in a good atmosphere with good friends, I couldn't help but count the blessing that I have and not focus on what I don't have.

Mesa Falls

All the kids, they had a great time!

Little Hank was a trooper!

Dewey had quite the time with his chocolate chip cookie.

I was again reminded today of how aware Heavenly Father is of our needs. He knows just how to implement things in your life, to help you along the way, to remind you of your purpose, and to remind you of His love. The lesson I taught today in Young Womens dealt with Sacrifice. We talked about the Sacrifices of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and we talked about what we have to sacrifice today. And really in the scheme of things, I think the sacrifices we are expected to make are do-able. We often are asked to sacrifice our time and our means, sometimes our sacrifices seem harder, but we have to keep in mind that sacrifices wouldn't be hard if they didn't mean so much to us, and also that we will find greater blessings for our sacrifices. I was listening to Graham's graveside service this week and Bishop Keller gave a thought from Brigham Young that has stuck in my mind all week. Brigham Young said that when we suffer trials and give sacrifices that are extremely hard, we are blessed with superior blessings. And Bishop Keller made a good point that we all like just good old blessings, and we really would like superior blessings, but those come with learning and growth. Those superior blessings are great, but aren't usually all experienced immediatly. We experience many now, and many in the future. And as I tried to tie everything together today for my girls, I told them that so far in my life, my greatest sacrifice has been that of giving Graham back to Heavenly Father, sending him on another mission away from us, but that the blessings we have experienced have been ten-fold what we probably would have received if he were here, so hard to say, but true. My family and I are truly blessed and I'm so grateful.

Sacrifices and Faith

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Lots of reading to find more information to help with the healing process. And in my reading I've found lots of info that makes me say "Ah Ha" or "that's just how I'm feeling." And it makes me feel better that lots of people have walked this path before, and survived. And lots of people walk harder paths, and they survive too. We all have our trial in our lives, sacrifices we have to make. Throughout the history of man, we've all had sacrifices to make, some easier than others, but all the same in the fact that it's hard. I ran across this story on Sunday and I can't get it out of my mind, thinking about others giving up their sons.

We admire our pioneer ancestors for their courage and their sacrifice, and well we should. We read about what they did, and we stand back in awe wondering if we could do the same these days. Well, in that spirit, may I share the story – the ‘touching’ story of Drusilla Hendricks?
In 1839 Drusilla was living in the happiest days of her life – a new home, a new faith, and a loving family. Then one night her world was changed. Her husband, James, was shot in the neck by a mob, leaving him paralyzed from the neck down. The mob then drove her from her home and ransacked it. The family returned to their home only then to be ordered to leave the state immediately.
Drusilla sold the family land for enough money to buy oxen to pull a small wagon, and she then set out for Illinois in the cold winter weather of early March. When she finally settled, friends built a log cabin for her, which she then chinked and plastered herself.
After that, to make ends meet, Drusilla, with a family of 5 children under the age of 11 – she began raising a large garden, taking in boarders, and selling homemade gingerbread and mittens. Drusilla worked hard; she did all that she could to support herself.
But again, their peace was only temporary. Mobs again descended upon her people, and in the winter of 1846 Drusilla again loaded up her family, crossed the Mississippi River, and turned her face to the west.
They had not gone far, however, when word came that volunteers were needed to join the United States Army in a war with Mexico. By now Drusilla’s oldest son, William, was 18, and William wanted to join the army. For 7 years this son had been her greatest help. There was no way. How could she give him up? How in the world would she survive a more than 1000-mile journey across the wilderness without him? There was no way.
Then one morning as Drusilla was preparing to fix breakfast, the familiar voice of the spirit spoke to her in words such as these:
“Drusilla, do you desire the greatest glory of heaven?”
“Yes, Lord,” she answered.
“Then, how can you get it without making sacrifices?”
“Lord, what lack I yet?”
The voice of the Lord came softly, “Let your son go in the battalion.”
William joined the army with his mother’s urging. But the pain and the grief were too much for her. Seeking seclusion, Drusilla knelt down and poured out her heart, as only a mother would understand, to a loving God. She told the Lord He could take her oldest son if He wanted, “but please - please Lord, spare his life.”
And then with that ‘peace that passeth all understanding,’ the Lord spoke to this woman of awesome faith. Gently and reassuringly, He said, “It shall be done unto you as it was unto Abraham when he offered Isaac on the altar.” (Story based on Historical Sketch of James Hendricks and Drusilla Dorris Hendricks.” Typescript: LDS Church Archives)
My dear friends, true religion requires sacrifice or it will never produce strong faith. We of this pampered generation need not worry about whose sacrifices were greater, the pioneers’ or ours. For the faithful, a just and loving Father in Heaven will make sure that the sacrifices and trials we endure are sufficient for the glory we will receive. But please know this: Those of us who are fond of our comfort and ease, there must be a price paid for faith.
It was once said this way: “… No cross, no crown; No gall, no glory; No thorns, no throne.” (President Ezra Taft Benson, Area Conference Report, Taipei, Taiwan, 1975, p. 3.)
Glenn Rawson – July 2000

This last weekend the youth in our ward went on a Pioneer Trek, and I really wanted to go with my Young Women. My mom reminded me it probably wouldn't be the best idea with me emotional state, which is probably right, but nonetheless I wanted to go. I love listening to pioneer stories, and this one about Sister Hendricks really hit me hard. I felt like she did in some ways. How blessed my life is. I have nothing to complain about whatsoever. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful family, and the glorious gospel. And yet we faced this challenge with Graham, we had to sacrifice this earthly time with Graham. And it's hard, everyday is a different day, some days are much harder than others. But like the story said, "there must be a price paid for faith." And with my sacrifice of Graham has come great faith. Undying faith in the Gospel and in our Savior Jesus Christ. Complete faith in the Plan of Salvation. And yet I still find myself wanting a life of ease, where everything going right, but I know that if we want to move foward in our eternal progression we must suffer some.

We can't pray that God will make our lives free of
problems. That won't happen, and it is good that it doesn't. We
can't ask Him to make us and those we love immune to disease, because He won't
do that. We can't ask Him to weave a magic spell around us so that bad
things will only happen to other people, and never to us.... But people who pray
for courage, for strenth to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what
they have left instead of what they have lost, very often find their prayers
answered. They discover that they have more strength, more courage than
they ever knew themselves to have.... Their prayers helped them tap the hidden
reserves of faith and courage which were not available to them
before. - Harold S. Kushner

Conversations

Libby: Look at my baby! She's dead.

Playmate: She's not dead, she's just sleeping.

Libby: No, she's dead, and that's not sleeping. She died so we have to bury her.

Playmate: I think she's still sleeping.

I sat here today listening to Libby have this conversation with her friend, and really, it broke my heart. It's so sad to me that this is her new life. That she thinks babies die, and that you bury them. You don't bring them home to love and take care of. You love them and you go to their graveside. You bring them sweet trinkets because that's really all you can do. Now that's Libby's idea of babies. So sad. But maybe she has a better grasp of death than we do. That death isn't the end, that death is just a short goodbye.

Pity Party

Today I had me a nice pity party. The kicking and screaming, ranting and raving, tantrum throwing kind of pity party. All in my head of course. I cleaned out the spare bedroom that had all of the belongings of the last few months thrown in there. Maternity and regular clothes, Graham's things, and a smorgaborg of many other things. I cleaned it out to the point now that you would never suspect that we've had trauma in our lives the last few months. Everything is put away, in its nice, neat home. But all the while I threw a fit, I really felt like a little kid again. I argued with the Lord, asked why, asked how this all happened. I threw a tantrum about all these stupid clothes, the maternity clothes, that I wish I was still wearing, because that would mean he'd still be here. Then really threw a tantrum about the other clothes, the pre-pregnancy clothes, that come nowhere close to fitting right now. How unfair is all of this????? Really that's what I thought? How unfair is it that I had to give back my baby? And while I came to terms again about WHY I had to give my baby back, I thought, then WHY can't I just go back to my pre-pregnancy body, at least let me be able to put my old clothes back on. Today in my mind, I've been picked on. Today I threw myself a pity party, and I really don't feel too bad about it. Just one of those grieving days, one where I had to get the anger and sadness out for the day. I'll keep reminding myself of why this really is okay, that all the injustices we go through in this life will be made up for in the next. Tomorrow will be better.

Testimony

These last few weeks I've been amazed by my little kid's testimonies. How sweet and simple they are, yet they are rock solid, no questions, just pure faith. They talk openly about Graham, and how happy he probably is, and that someday they'll see him again. And I have to remind myself of those things. That Graham is happy, doing other things, but cheering us on in our earthly journey. And that we will see him again, someday, which seems like forever, but this life is only a small moment in eternity. A few years ago I was the primary pianist and we sang a sweet little song, that's stuck in my mind. Especially because my heart would melt when Mitch would sing it.

I know that Jesus lives, and that he loves me.
I know the Prophet leads our Church and guides me.
I know the Book of Mormon is a witness of Jesus Christ.
I know the Gospel is true.
The Gospel is true.

I've thought about my testimony and my faith especially the last week or so. How much my testimony has grown, and yet how feeble I feel sometimes. How keeping the faith is crucial in getting past our trials. How Satan knows that these are the times to work on us, when we're struggling the most. I keep being reminded of an Ensign article that talks about the early Church members and their spritual experiences in Kirtland, some even seeing Jesus Christ, and yet they turned away from the Church later on, letting their testimonies wean away to nothing. And I don't want to do that. I want to stay strong. I have a good reason to make it back to be with Graham. Boost your testimony in any ways possible, stay positive, read good material, and the best thing for me is to listen to hymns. Keep the faith, hold to the rod, and keep those child like attributes, like a simple, rock solid testimony.

One of my favorite Hymns right now, keeps me going during my darkest times.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: They best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, they confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When dissappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

People and Promptings

This week I've talked to a lot of people about different experiences. I've heard lots of stories of people helping one another by simply listening to a prompting. A prompting that might seem simple, or strange, or not make a bit of sense, but yet these people chose to follow the promptings. And mighty miracles were brought to pass by people listening and acting on those promptings. I know that my testimony of people and promptings has been strengthened with our experience with Graham. How we would reap such great blessings from simple acts of kindness, or cards in the mail, or e-mails and phone calls, and I don't know if those people had a prompting or just did it on their own, but I know that there were days that I needed that so much. And then I think how many times do I ignore promptings? How many times to I tell myself that it would be stupid if I did that because maybe that person doesn't even know me, or the prompting really doesn't make any sense, but yet I know that I need to be better at following those promptings. Because sometimes there is only one chance for this little prompting to be fulfilled, and if you don't do it the opportunity is gone for good. So I'm going to try and follow those promptings a little better, remembering if the thought pops up to go and do something for someone else, it really should be done.

Perspective

As we go through life lots of things change our perspective in life. Usually trials in our life change our perspective for the better. As we've gone through this trial with Graham, my perspective of life has changed in many ways. I definitely have more of an eternal perspective, one where I know that this life isn't the end and someday we'll be together again. I have a different perspective on raising Mitch and Libby. How it's not really important how good they look or if they do everything right, but more on having more patience, and trying to teach them what is really important in life. I have a different perspective on letting the small things slide by. That there are plenty of things that wait for you in life, and so it's not always important to do them right this second. But yet as my perspectives of life have changed so much sometimes I feel like I'm slipping right back into my old perspectives. Where I'm starting to worry more about the petty stuff, maybe that's just part of life, or maybe now it's my job to start working harder to not let that stuff bug me. Maybe life starts getting a little easier in a sense so we slip back and I'm feeling like it's not such a good thing. One thing's for sure, my perspective of love had grown immeasureably. I love my little family more now that I ever thought was possible. And that's one thing that's not going to go backwards.

Gone but Not Forgotten

Today I was putting a few odds and ends away in Graham's box of stuff. And as I sat there going through a few things I was bothered, bothered that now that Graham is gone I put his things away, in a spare bedroom, out of sight. I did this for many reasons, protection and safety obviously because we have so few things that I couldn't bear for any of them to be lost or broken. But also out of sight, I think, for my healing, I don't think I could always look at everything everyday. I already see a lot everyday, it seems that everytime I go in there I sit and rummage through a few things. But it seems that when things are out of sight we seem to forget. It bothered me that I would forget a lot, that eventually my kids might forget who Graham is, and that in reality, so many people will forget Graham, or never even knew he existed. Maybe it's a good thing that people don't know or that as time goes on it's not a painful subject that is brought up, but the fact is that I don't ever want to forget Graham, I want everyone to know him. I want people to know that his mission was short, but so sweet and very influential. That his life changed mine completely. He came in part to make me a better person, and that his life was way too good to be forgotten.

Though Hard to You This Journey May Appear

I read this post from CJane this morning. Exactly what I needed today. Read it here. Keep the faith, all is well.

Come, Come Ye Saints

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil or labor fear;
But with joy wend your way
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell
All is well! All is well!

We'll find a place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.
We'll make the air with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell
All is well! All is well!