The Holiday Season

Today it has snowed all day and I've sat and watched it out the window and loved sitting inside my house, next to a warm fire, baking banana bread, and reading books. The kids are outside building snowmen and loving the fresh snow. Today we had to run into town with Mike and I bought a Christmas present for Mitch and perusing gift ideas for others. The holidays are quickly creeping in and I thought that I would be so excited for them, but right now I'm not so sure. Right now I'm having lots of feelings and memories flooding my mind right now. At this time last year we were so excited to go to the doctor for the first time. My appointment was November 9th, not even sure why I can remember that date. We were so excited to be having another baby and we were planning on breaking the news to everyone on Christmas day. But I remember vividly having the feeling that something wasn't quite right, but I kept reassuring myself that things were fine and that I was overreacting. I remember going to the doctor, hearing the news, and trying to keep things together while I met with Dr. Robison. I remember being upset and leaving the office. Going to tell Mike and going home to get Libby. I remember being at lunch and having Dr. Robison call and give me more information about the condition and the likelihood of survival. I remember calling my mom that day and telling her what was going on. I never thought that I would tell her there was another grandbaby, but that it probably wasn't going to make it. I remember last Thanksgiving being somber. The first without my aunt, and I was filled with worry about how things would turn out with the baby. I remember praying and praying and praying that things would fix themselves and that as we found ourselves at the next doctors appointment they would tell us everything was fine. And the next months would go on with more doctors appointments and more ups and downs. Last holiday season made me grateful for my Savior and His sacrifice for us.

This year my heart is full of gratitude for the experience that Graham has given me. For his sweet little life, and the joy that he brought. This holiday season is so exciting in so many ways because Michael will be home from his mission and we get to spend Christmas in Hawaii, but at the same time these are reminders that our time with Graham is over for now. Our life is moving forward. Libby asked me last night if Graham was in my belly again. I told her no and she asked why he couldn't go back in my belly so we could see him again at the hospital. And so many times I want to go back to last year, to live it one more time, just to take everything in and try and savor every last moment.