One Week

Today has been one week since Graham was born. It's been a whirlwind of a week. One where time has no meaning, because it's been the longest week of my life, but yet I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It's been a week full of more emotions that I can even describe. It seems like we've felt enough happiness and pain to last us a lifetime. And as I sat all week mulling everything through my mind and trying to adjust to our new life, I can't decide where I'm at yet. It's still early, lots of time to heal and to recoup both physically and emotionally, but I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this new life.

I've had lots of time to sit this last couple of days, since a blood clot has thrown me another punch to the gut (seriously, all I can say is I can't one thing to go right for me right now). I've watched lots of t.v. and read lots on the internet and looked at lots of pictures and I'm trying to stay positive, trying to find the good in this situation, because it's too easy to see the bad and then I just fall to pieces. So as I watched Parenthood yesterday I thought, "well, see now Graham is perfect and I won't have to deal with the typical teenage years, and when I get to raise him he won't cause me so much grief." Well that thought helped some. And I've read lots of blogs, many from mothers who have been in my situation before, and they are celebrating new babies born to their families this week, and my heart melts for them that they've overcome this dark cloud and gives me some hope for what may be for us in the future. And as I read on blog post in particular I was captured and it was so true. Read the entire blog post here. Kellye has a daughter with down syndrome and she's adjusting to her new life, where disappointments have manifest themselves from the beginning. But this is what I love about this post.

"But, here's the thing. Once you become a parent...once you start feeling a
little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see a pink plus
sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry
around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood. To have your heart
broken. And it's a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest. And we can
choose to be afraid or we can choose to live. And I choose to live. Because an
"increased likelihood of having your heart broken" also carries with it an
increased likelihood to find yourself the happiest you've ever been in life."

And as I reflected on pictures of Graham this week I know we made the right decision. It was the hardest decision we've ever had to make. And I've thought all week, what if I would have just saved him, they said they could have, but then I remember that he would have been in pain, and wouldn't have had much of a life, and even then his life would be short lived. So we made the decision that we knew would break our hearts, but with this decision came the greatest blessing that has brought our family so much happiness. And has reminded us to savor each day, to enjoy life to the fullest, to not sweat the small stuff, to love more and hate less, and to be a little better each day. Because someday we'll be reunited and the happiness and joy that we will feel that day will more than compensate for the heartbreak we feel now.