We must not think Pride is something God forbids because He is offended at it, or that Humility is something He demands as due to His own dignity — as if God Himself was proud. He is not in the least worried about His dignity. The point is, He wants you to know Him: wants to give you Himself. And He and you are two things of such a kind that if you really get into any kind of touch with Him you will, in fact, be humble — delightedly humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got rid of all the silly nonsense about your own dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life."
~C.S. Lewis

Faith

Our society today is a "believing is seeing" society, and I would say that many times I would agree. But my faith has been strengthened more over the last few months than ever in my life. The trust we put in God that things happen for a reason. That all questions are not answered quickly or visibly, but come with time. When we first found out that there were problems with Graham I came home and got on the computer and read every article I could find on the Church website about trials with child loss and I bookmarked the ones that really stuck out in my mind. Today and went back a read a few and this one stuck out in my mind today. Read it here. Having faith is hard, and having faith and being positive is even harder. This last weekend I went back through my blog and read back to when Graham was born. I'm trying my hardest to find the positive in all this. And some days it's really hard to count my blessings. But there's no doubt in my mind that things work out for a reason. That God works in mysterious ways. That he works in small and simple ways. As I look back over the last year all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. It was about a year ago that we started thinking about having another baby, and I got REALLY baby hungry, which really isn't like me. It was something that I had to do, and soon. And then once I was pregnant I just had that feeling that something wasn't right, and then that was confirmed with the doctor and the rollercoaster ride began. But hindsight is 20/20 and everything worked out perfectly. Graham did everything he was supposed to. He got his body and enjoyed every minute he had with it. He came when he was supposed to, not when he was planned to. And the events after Graham's birth have all fallen into place too, as pleasant and unpleasant as some have been. So I'm trying to increase my faith and stay positive at the same time.

P.S. Did I mention that Mike is the King of Positive, so he's quick to remind me when I'm being Negative Nellie :)

The Weekend

Thank heaven for these two!

This last weekend was hard. It seems like things are getting harder every day that passes. Maybe because we are slipping back into the world after having this great spiritual experience. Probably moreso because Satan is finding this the perfect time to get me, while I'm vulnerable, and that is exactly what I am in every way, completely vulnerable. This weekend was hard for so many reasons, the constant reminders of Graham everywhere I go and even in my dreams. I think I felt loss in so many ways this weekend. I felt the immediate loss of not having Graham in my arms. I felt the loss of a future with Graham. I looked at Mitch and Libby and felt a loss for them, how this has affected them is so many ways, and I worry that they're scarred for life. That they've seen so many hard things that kids shouldn't have to deal with. That they've been neglected so much the last few weeks (but I know that's not true because they've been spoiled rotten by so many people) And everytime I looked at Mitch I could see so many resemblances between him and Graham. Their lips and their noses and I just craved to have that baby in my arms. And I craved watching him grow up with his brother and sister.

My parents took the kids for a sleepover and so Mike and I went to dinner and a movie, which was really nice, but I had a hard time not just wanting to be home with our family and relaxing with a new baby like it should be. And we went swimming this weekend and the kids had a blast, but all I really wanted to do was to be inside with Graham. And even when the days would come to an end the dreaming began, some pleasant and some nightmares. And so I felt so alone in so many ways, stuck in the crazy nightmare. And now the weekend is over and I've dove into working this week, hoping that the new week will better.

Naive

Many women have said after they lost a child that they often look back at their old selves and think, "I was so naive, I had no idea what was coming." I'm thinking the same of the Pre-Graham Quinn, except I was so naive for thinking that I could try and prepare myself for this life-changing event. That I knew exactly how I would feel and that I would be able to save myself some grieving time. It is such a weird thing to anticipate the birth and death of your child in such a short period of time. And it's odd to me how in a second your life can change. I loved Graham from the minute I knew he was coming to our family. Thought that I loved him all I could while I was pregnant. I tried to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months. But how naive of me, because the moment I saw Graham that love grew infinitely. The love that I thought I had for him seemed like nothing. And the greater the love, the greater the pain. So as I look back to the old me, I think "wow, I thought I knew what was coming, but I had no clue." No clue that this one day would turn my life upside down. That the emotions I thought I had prepared myself to be the worst are really the easiest to deal with. I didn't anticipate the fog, and the absolute helplessness that would come with losing Graham. I didn't anticipate the depth of sorrow, nor the paralyzing fear. I was naive, but now I know better. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I ever imagined, and that I'm a better person because of Graham. He made me so strong and less naive in the loss area of my life.

One Month

Today I woke up earlier than usual and started getting a few things done before we left for Mitch's tennis camp. I was tired, but that's nothing new. We hopped in the car and headed to town when I felt like a ton of brick hit me. It's been one month since we had Graham. I had been dreading this day for the past week. The anticipation of it scared me, so when I woke up this morning and didn't remember I was a little surprised. But I can say that when it hit me this morning I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, like reality was really hitting me now. I had a baby, and he's gone. I've had a pit in my stomach all day. I've been trying to distract myself with anything I can possibly find. I bought Mitch and Libby a bunch of water toys for the yard today, hoping I would be distracted with them. I tried to get lots of yard work done. But my thoughts run rampant. I miss him like crazy. I wonder why, a lot. I hear people tell me all the time how much Graham has taught them and all I can think is why him? Why did he have to do this? Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just have him? And today the understanding isn't there. I don't understand much today, I just hurt. My arms are empty and my heart is feeling a little empty too. I ran across a blog today talking about how hard it is to me a mom. How sometimes there's nothing we can do to make us or our children feel better, but the happiness and joy we do feel is worth all the pain. And as I thought about this I thought to myself, "Is it really worth it to be a mom? Is it really worth all this pain?" And as I reflected at pictures of Graham and Libby sleeping on the couch I thought, "YES! It's all worth it. The joy and the pain. I'm so glad I have my kids, all of them, and even though Graham is gone, I'm so thankful he is ours, that we got 5 hours with him, and that we get him again someday. Graham was worth it, if that's all I understand, I guess that's all I need.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
-Jeffrey R. Holland

Come What May and Love It

Today I had some pretty deep conversations with two good friends. Today was a day that I needed to talk. To talk about how I feel, the insecurities, and craziness, and sadness, and fear that lingers with me constantly. The emotions of grief that you have to go through because there's no way around them. And as we talked about Graham and how he's affected us, we tried to understand Heavenly Father's plan a little better. From the Creation to our individual lives. And as we listened to each other's ideas I thought about how little we really know. How we as humans expect to know everything, but we don't know much at all. We rely so much on faith. Faith that all things happen for a reason. That there is a time for every season. And I kept reflecting back to Elder Wirthlin's talk "Come What May and Love It". How I've tried to make this my new life motto. And how important it is to stay positive and not give into Satan's negative and destructive thoughts. So this YouTube video has sustained me many times during the last few months and will continue to buoy me up through my life. So though I don't understand much, this much I know. God gives us so many bounteous blessings, and He has told us "Where much is given, much is required". So I'll take what comes my way and love it.