Naive

Many women have said after they lost a child that they often look back at their old selves and think, "I was so naive, I had no idea what was coming." I'm thinking the same of the Pre-Graham Quinn, except I was so naive for thinking that I could try and prepare myself for this life-changing event. That I knew exactly how I would feel and that I would be able to save myself some grieving time. It is such a weird thing to anticipate the birth and death of your child in such a short period of time. And it's odd to me how in a second your life can change. I loved Graham from the minute I knew he was coming to our family. Thought that I loved him all I could while I was pregnant. I tried to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months. But how naive of me, because the moment I saw Graham that love grew infinitely. The love that I thought I had for him seemed like nothing. And the greater the love, the greater the pain. So as I look back to the old me, I think "wow, I thought I knew what was coming, but I had no clue." No clue that this one day would turn my life upside down. That the emotions I thought I had prepared myself to be the worst are really the easiest to deal with. I didn't anticipate the fog, and the absolute helplessness that would come with losing Graham. I didn't anticipate the depth of sorrow, nor the paralyzing fear. I was naive, but now I know better. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I ever imagined, and that I'm a better person because of Graham. He made me so strong and less naive in the loss area of my life.