Real Life

These last few days I feel like I'm in a fog, the dense fog that's really hard to see through. Emotions are really indescribable and I'm trudging on through life right now, trying to find some semblence of that life we had before Graham. Mike went back to work, and that was good to make me find my way back into life, but I still have this blood clot, so I really can't do much yet. My kids have been spoiled like crazy and have played with various friends non-stop, and they don't understand why we need to try and get back to real life. I think they are starting to like this new life, probably because they understand it all much better than me.
It seems odd to me right now, how the last few weeks are so vivid, but yet a blur. How someone can come into your life and exit so quickly. That coming and going part of it is the blur, but the love part of it is vivid. The love part of it makes this hurt so badly. I keep telling myself, it will get better give it some time, but the time drags on when you sit all day, when it rains everyday. I tell myself to keep breathing, to turn to Heavenly Father, He will help you. He does help, He understands, He comforts and He is helping me work this all out in my head. But with returning to real life comes dealing with people. Many are kind and give comforting words and advice. Other are completely unaware of the situation, although I wish they were, so they wouldn't say things that upset me. Most of these people have been from the doctors office and I think really, when someone loses a child, put a big red X on their chart so everyone knows. When I went to the doctor for my blood clot the receptionist asked about my baby. I tried to blow it off, but the wound is still too fresh. Today I got a call from University of Utah. I answered, hoping I might find Dr. Draper on the other line, but it wasn't. It was a postpardum check up. She asked how I was feeling, then if I was nursing and if the baby had been in for a checkup. I was so taken off guard that I just answered yes. I was holding back tears and all I wanted to scream was that there's no baby, he's not here, isn't that on your chart!!!!
So today, I've decided that real life isn't good right now, I'm going to hide from it for another day. I know that we have to deal with all this at some point and time, but today wasn't the day.