Day by Day

For the last eight months or so everyday is a new day. People ask me how I deal with this and I tell them I take it a day at a time, because that's how I have to do it. Some days I take it minutes at a time because some days the heartbreak is so intense that it takes all you have to make it through just a few minutes. Everyday is filled with lots of emotions ranging from joy and sadness to anger and frustration. Many days there is unshakable faith and other days there is doubt. Everyday brings lots of reflection on life, on God, on the Gospel. Some days there are so many questions. Questions about why and what I did to deserve this, or what I could have done to prevent it and questions about what I should learn from this. Many days there is doubt, not in God, but in myself. That I might not be a good mother, so I couldn't have this baby. That there was something wrong with me. Doubt that I might not have more kids in the future, and that is a crushing feeling, to feel like your entire purpose for being here is gone, taken away. Days when I know Mitch and Libby are being neglected, but I'm in such a deep fog that I can't do any better. Days that I feel I'm just getting by. But the days always seem to have joy and happiness as well. Days I know I'm being carried by a Higher Being because I couldn't do it on my own. Days when all I can do is hold a prayer in my heart that things will get a little easier. That the pain will subside some, but not go away completely because that's when we forget the blessings that come through trials.

Experts say that to truly grieve and get through the process it's best to understand the grieving process, so I've been doing a lot of studying lately. And when you understand that there must be pain to have joy and happiness it all starts making a bit more sense.

"If we could be promised we would never experience the terrible pain of
loss but would have to relinquish our capacity for love in the process, who
would make the trade? Perhaps the first step in learning to live with grief is
the awareness that love is, indeed, worth the price we have to pay for it."
-Deanna Edwards

So for me, I'll live day by day, taking the joy and the pain, because the joy far outweighs the pain in eternity. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing, just try to love and enjoy Graham even more.