The Weekend

Thank heaven for these two!

This last weekend was hard. It seems like things are getting harder every day that passes. Maybe because we are slipping back into the world after having this great spiritual experience. Probably moreso because Satan is finding this the perfect time to get me, while I'm vulnerable, and that is exactly what I am in every way, completely vulnerable. This weekend was hard for so many reasons, the constant reminders of Graham everywhere I go and even in my dreams. I think I felt loss in so many ways this weekend. I felt the immediate loss of not having Graham in my arms. I felt the loss of a future with Graham. I looked at Mitch and Libby and felt a loss for them, how this has affected them is so many ways, and I worry that they're scarred for life. That they've seen so many hard things that kids shouldn't have to deal with. That they've been neglected so much the last few weeks (but I know that's not true because they've been spoiled rotten by so many people) And everytime I looked at Mitch I could see so many resemblances between him and Graham. Their lips and their noses and I just craved to have that baby in my arms. And I craved watching him grow up with his brother and sister.

My parents took the kids for a sleepover and so Mike and I went to dinner and a movie, which was really nice, but I had a hard time not just wanting to be home with our family and relaxing with a new baby like it should be. And we went swimming this weekend and the kids had a blast, but all I really wanted to do was to be inside with Graham. And even when the days would come to an end the dreaming began, some pleasant and some nightmares. And so I felt so alone in so many ways, stuck in the crazy nightmare. And now the weekend is over and I've dove into working this week, hoping that the new week will better.