Memory Triggers

I am still amazed today at the little things that I run across in life that trigger vivid memories and feelings of Graham. This last week I finally ordered his birth and death certificates and tried to figure out if he had a SS number designated to him (all for tax purposes) and I kept asking myself why I didn't take care of this sooner, but to be quite honest, I really didn't want to mess with all the paper work after the fact. So yesterday I spent all afternoon bouncing from the Social Security office to the IRS trying to figure out if he needed a SS number or a TIN for taxes, rehashing my story, people trying to get their facts straight, and honestly, I'm surprised that this was an uncommon occurrence and no one knew what to do. I was surprised last week as we met with our accountant and Mike asked him about what we needed to do with Graham on taxes and how hard it was to talk about. I hate when my eyes fill up with water and my chest gets tight, especially in front of people that don't know me. I did the same thing yesterday as I met with different people and it drove me crazy. I don't want a pity party. I just need to get some facts, and I'll be finished.

But the memory that shocked me the most just came from looking over his death certificate. I looked at causes of death, and I swear and was swept back to that hospital room. I remember having Graham in my arms and the neonatologist coming into the room after we had decided to keep Graham with us. He told us what it was going to be like to watch Graham die. What organ systems would go first, what he would look like, and how we would know for certain that he was gone. I remember being a bit panicked at that information. I had never watched anyone die before. And honestly, I just didn't know what to expect of myself. Would I really be strong enough to let him struggle with his breathing and not ask for help? I remember later on, being in the room with my parents and couple of hours after he was born, Graham's breathing was really sporadic. He would take a breath and then not take another breath for another 30 seconds and finally we thought that he was gone. We had said our goodbyes and felt an overwhelming sadness like it was over, but then he took this huge gasp and he had a second wind. For the next hour or so he looked the best he ever had. We thought he had made this miraculous rebound. But that was short lived and he slowly started slipping again. He took his last breath around 5 pm that night. I remember it being so peaceful. He didn't struggle, he wasn't in pain, his spirit just left his body. I remember this time, not feeling so sad, but some relief that he was okay. He completed his mission.

Having these memories have such mixed emotions. They always bring tears, but sometimes tears of grief, and other times tear of happiness. I read somewhere on a blog earlier this week from a mother that lost her child that even in the darkest times of our life that God is good. And I know that for a fact. That He knows the Plan. That He knows of our sorrow and grief, but that he always blesses us with a rainbow after the storm. I still miss Graham everyday, and there's not a day that I don't wish that he was here, but having said that, I know that without this trial my family wouldn't have received many of the blessings that we have. God is good.

Our Leap of Faith

We mustered up enough courage to try and add to our family, and our newest member is due in September. My mom keeps asking me when I'm going to blog about it and I've had a hard time doing that. This really is a leap of faith for us, and one where I'm still really scared. I'm not the type of person that announces to the world, "Hey, I just took a pregnancy test and guess what, I'm pregnant." I guess I'm just not comfortable doing that and I figure that people will figure it out on their own soon enough. But this pregnancy makes it even more difficult to tell people about. I think mostly because I'm still trying to protect my heart as much as possible. Because it's easier that not many people know if things don't work out. I can honestly say that as a family we've all been protecting ourselves quite a bit. We're not to the excited point yet, we're trying not to get our hopes up too much (even though everything looks fine so far) and it's hard not to think negatively. We told the kids about the baby and told them we weren't telling people for a while until we had another ultrasound and made sure everything looked okay. I was surprised because neither one of them said anything to anyone other than family. Mitch will rarely talk about the baby without putting the phrase in "I hope this baby isn't sick" or "I hope this baby doesn't die." and it makes me realize how hurt he is too.

As a mother, it's hard for me to picture holding any other baby than Graham, and I've missed him more lately than I have for a while. It's definitely a bittersweet time for us, we're cautiously hopeful and we pray that the plan this time is to keep our baby here with us.

St. Patrick's Day

This year Mitch was really into St. Patrick's Day and so we decided to actually celebrate the holiday this year.
The kids wanted green eggs for breakfast. They looked so nasty I had a hard time eating them, but since I'm never one to turn down food I ate them and luckily they didn't taste as bad as they looked
Mitch was funny that day because he didn't have school and so he was doing his chores at home and he took a basket of clothes down to his room to put away. He immediately comes running upstairs and told me that ALL the lights shut off by themselves and he didn't know what happened. I told him there must be a leprechaun down there, and needless to say, Mitch is a scardy cat and wouldn't go down there the rest of the day without Libby because he didn't want the leprechaun to get him. :)

Later that night Grandma JoAnn, Grandpa Richard and Marcus came over for dinner. It ended up that Grandma Kimi and Grandpa Frank came over too, so we got to spend some time with them, eat corned beef and cabbage, and watch the BYU game. Things were pretty good that day and I was especially glad to not have to eat any odd green food the next day.

Finding My Blog Again

I've been slacking on the blog posting, really I'm just in a weird transition of finding myself again and the direction the blog is going. For the entire life of this blog it has been centered around Graham and the insights I've had during that time. Now I feel like my insights are gone, I think they're still there but for some reason they're harder to get out now. I'm finding that life continues on and I'm still needing to journal our life events, but right now everyday life happens so fast and I'm hanging on the best I can. But I was reminded tonight that I need to be writing down all the funny things my kids do so that we can remember them down the road, and my life is filled with lots of crazy kid moments.

Mitch is all boy, starting to think he's a grown up boy, and that his mom doesn't know anything and can't do much right. He's really into sports and wishes that we'd change his name to Jimmer Lindsay. Mitch told me yesterday that boys are always better than girls and that we didn't need girls. So I asked him what he would do if his dad had to do everything, like fix dinner and clean and get him all the places he needs to go? He quickly fixed his opinion. He needs his mom, but no other girls and then decided that really boys are just better at sports than girls. Mitch had his first Blue and Gold banquet tonight so we had our first shot at cake decorating(bad mom, didn't get a picture) Mitch is really into watching Cake Boss and other shows like that where they make extravagant cakes, he told me ours didn't measure up. I thought we were close enough.

Libby is SOOO full on energy I can't keep up. Today we were at the dollar store and she got a little make-up kit. I didn't realize it was real make-up until we got home, then she looked like a clown. We were getting ready to leave tonight for the Church and I had wiped her face off, only to turn around 5 minutes later and her face was caked with make-up again, I have no pride anymore so she got to go to the banquet like that and she was thrilled at how many comments she got. Libby is quite spoiled, and everyone knows it. She wanted to play with one of Mitch's toys the other day and he told her no. She came up and told me she wanted Mitch to go back to being a baby. I asked why? She said because then she could play with all his toys and he couldn't do anything about it.

Graham is now referred to as a booger in our house thanks to Grandma JoAnn. Grandma told the kids the other day that Graham was a cute little BUGGER, and both kids thought she said BOOGER, so they came home and tattled on Grandma that she thought Graham was a booger.

More great things to come in a future post.

Heeding the Warning Signs

Today we had ward conference and our stake president gave a great message that really brought me back to the basics. He talked about the recent events in Japan with earthquakes and the tsunamis that threatened the U.S. He talked about how when those people hear those warning sirens, they pack up and head to high ground, but he talked about the tsunami that is headed our way in our mortal lives and how we have warning signs all around us, but aren't necessarily always choosing to head towards higher ground. It really hit me today about how much we get caught up in our daily lives and often lose our eternal focus. We lose sight of why we are here and what we are to accomplish. We forget our blessings, we forget the simple things we need to do to gain our eternal salvation. And as I listened to this talk today, I thought about how important it is to move our families to this "higher ground" to protect us from danger and to help us to return to our Heavenly Father.

This weekend we attended a funeral for a ward member who passed away suddenly. As we visited with his wife she said they knew this was coming, but didn't expect it so quickly. She told us that no matter how much you plan, you can't fully prepare yourself for the loss. I watched as her family grieved and it brought back a flood of my own memories, when the casket reaches the cemetery and you have your final "earthly" good-byes. Life is short and precious, and more importantly, life continues on after this earthly life so it's crucial we do all we can here to make to our loved ones on the other side. Today I thought of our reunion someday as a family, and how I have to teach Mitch and Libby now all that I can that they have that solid foundation to get back to our Heavenly Father.

Our stake president is also big on missionary work and bringing the less active members into activity. I'm not a great missionary, I won't lie about that. I feel like I can show others my belief through my example. I'm not one to go out and hand out Book of Mormons, or make others feel like my beliefs are superior to theirs. But I do have a burning testimony that I want others to feel and to experience and that testimony if of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. President Jenks said today that we should invite people to know Christ and the rest will fall into place. I like that and I can do that much. And when I think of this, I can't help but think of this song by Chris Rice. Definitely one of my favorites and bears testimony of Jesus Christ.

Come to Jesus
Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!