The White Stocking

I received this little thought at our RS Christmas party this month and I'm always glad to be reminded why we celebrate Christmas.

It wasn't that anyone had been forgotten, no child had been slighted or made unhappy and no adult had been left unremembered. The present had all been distributed and all the stockings were beautifully filled-- all that is except one; one stocking that had never been hung. It was the stocking intended for the child of Bethlehem. Of all the people belonging at that Christmas gathering, only he had been forgotten. Only he had been left out of the festivities. This didn't seem quite right, inasmuch as it was his birthday that was being celebrated. Since then the little white stocking has hung in the center of all our stockings. On Christmas Eve, we gather in the living room to recall and express our feelings of that Christmas Eve so long ago. During this time we reach into this stocking and pass out the paper that were placed in the stocking the year before. Each person quietly reviews last year's gift and then privately writes down his or her offering or gift to Jesus. The new gifts are then placed in the stocking to be reviewed next Christmas Eve.

As I've pondered this all month long, I've remembered just how grateful I am for the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. For his gift that he gave to us, that gift of everlasting life. And as I think about my gift to him, I think of my many flaws and everything that needs to be better. My goal this year is to strive to be a little better each day, and to set a better example for those around me and especially remember the true reason for the Christmas Season.

What we do as Moms

I've had lots of people ask me how I ever survived my journey with Graham. And I think to myself a lot about how I did it, and how I was ever that strong. I think about if the next one has the same condition and I find myself amping myself up, trying to find more strength, preparing for the what if's. Then I ran across this post from Kelle Hampton, about fight of flight syndrome as a mother and this completely sums up why we do the things we do for our kids, and SURVIVE it.

"But the other amazement in all of this is the instinctive initiation of the Fight receptors in the sudden surge of Fight-or-Flight that ensues when your baby gets sick or your kid falls off the top bunk or your toddler slips into the deep end with a quiet splash, or maybe you just received news that your brand new baby has a genetic condition that makes her different. You fight, without even knowing it. You rise to the occasion. You jump in, save them, wipe tears, call doctors, hold compresses, pull yourself together and you fight like hell. As "minor" in the world of parenthood snafus as our trip to the ER was, I couldn't help but recognize the fight that commences and the calmness that deploys. You just know what to do. You tell the What-if voices to shut the hell up, and you advocate for your child-- attentively, fiercely, fully."

Live in Thanksgiving Daily

Lately I've had a hard time being thankful for all that I have right here and now. I've been focusing a lot on what I want and wish I had. Mostly focusing on Graham, and having him here. I read so many different blogs and see so many different people with special needs kids and it makes me really think I would rather have Graham here, with all his needs, then have him gone. I've had a lot of processing do to lately, but I came across this talk from Elder Wirthlin a couple of weeks ago that I used for my visiting teaching message, but really I think it was more for me. He talks about being thanful everyday for what you have now, not what you want or think you need in the past or in the future. Be thankful today. And I am very thankful, for my little family, for good friends and extended family, for the Gospel, and for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, who know the plan much better than I and put things in place as they are needed. And give lots of comfort and encouragement when I feel like I need something different.

Mitch's 8th Birthday

Mitch turned 8 this year, crazy how fast the time goes. He's one rambunctious little boy who LOVES to play sports and shoot guns and drive his little sister CRAZY! He's excited to be baptized and is such a good little boy.
Mitch helped make his cake. Next time we won't try a new cake recipe, let's just say it was an epic fail, but he didn't care.

We're glad to have Mitch in our family, even though I lose patience a lot with him. Now we'll just pray that he doesn't shoot any windows out with his new beebe gun from his Uncle Marcus!

When a 3 year old thinks she's 16

This is what happens when a 3 year old thinks she's 16.

Press on nails,

Fake boobs,

And LOTS & LOTS of makeup!!!

The First Snow

The Holiday Season

Today it has snowed all day and I've sat and watched it out the window and loved sitting inside my house, next to a warm fire, baking banana bread, and reading books. The kids are outside building snowmen and loving the fresh snow. Today we had to run into town with Mike and I bought a Christmas present for Mitch and perusing gift ideas for others. The holidays are quickly creeping in and I thought that I would be so excited for them, but right now I'm not so sure. Right now I'm having lots of feelings and memories flooding my mind right now. At this time last year we were so excited to go to the doctor for the first time. My appointment was November 9th, not even sure why I can remember that date. We were so excited to be having another baby and we were planning on breaking the news to everyone on Christmas day. But I remember vividly having the feeling that something wasn't quite right, but I kept reassuring myself that things were fine and that I was overreacting. I remember going to the doctor, hearing the news, and trying to keep things together while I met with Dr. Robison. I remember being upset and leaving the office. Going to tell Mike and going home to get Libby. I remember being at lunch and having Dr. Robison call and give me more information about the condition and the likelihood of survival. I remember calling my mom that day and telling her what was going on. I never thought that I would tell her there was another grandbaby, but that it probably wasn't going to make it. I remember last Thanksgiving being somber. The first without my aunt, and I was filled with worry about how things would turn out with the baby. I remember praying and praying and praying that things would fix themselves and that as we found ourselves at the next doctors appointment they would tell us everything was fine. And the next months would go on with more doctors appointments and more ups and downs. Last holiday season made me grateful for my Savior and His sacrifice for us.

This year my heart is full of gratitude for the experience that Graham has given me. For his sweet little life, and the joy that he brought. This holiday season is so exciting in so many ways because Michael will be home from his mission and we get to spend Christmas in Hawaii, but at the same time these are reminders that our time with Graham is over for now. Our life is moving forward. Libby asked me last night if Graham was in my belly again. I told her no and she asked why he couldn't go back in my belly so we could see him again at the hospital. And so many times I want to go back to last year, to live it one more time, just to take everything in and try and savor every last moment.

Broken Things to Mend

The Purpose of a Journal

I have to admit that I'm terrible at writing in a journal. Always have good intentions, but never quite make it there. As I started this blog I knew it was important for me to record our family's journey through mortality. I especially knew it was crucial for me to record our journey with Graham, for our future reference as well as the future reference of our children and posterity. I started with this blog as well hoping that maybe it might help a mother in the future that faces a similar trial with losing a baby. That this record might give her a little hope, to show her and others how good God is and that he leads us by the hand to overcome our trials. Today I was reminded again of how important it is to write in a journal. To record our lives for our posterity to read someday. Maybe to learn from some of our experiences. I read this blog today and she relates to losing a child. A few of her grandparents had lost babies as well, but had passed on and she wished she could have turned to them for advice to overcoming her loss. She wished that they would have written in a journal for her to go back and read. To see that God led them just as he does us today. So on days when I feel like my blog is too much, that it's too honest and too personal and that I don't want to share all of that with the world, I remind myself that I promised my Heavenly Father I would show the world His importance and the importance of His Son, Jesus Christ. How important They are in my life, how They carry me when I feel like I can't keep going. And They will carry us all in our times of need

A Crazy Busy Week

New story of my life, it seems like we're always crazy busy! Busy with kids, work, church and everything in between. This week was busier than most, but super good. Sunday was our Primary program and Mitch did a great job as usual. I can tell he's getting older because he told me he wasn't going to sing when he got up there, but he's not too old yet because he was singing his little heart out. Libby was so disappointed that she couldn't go up, (bummer part of having a January birthday). I love the new primary songs they add every year and the new song "I Know That My Savior Loves Me" was awesome and brought me to tears.



Libby has been in a little Pre-K choir and this week was their first concert. It was so cute and she's been singing ever since. A few of their songs were about fishing and they were so funny.

Finding their places on stage. The kids were so wiggly during the concert, it was so funny, mostly because it wasn't Libby being super wiggly (it's always better when it's not your kid)!

Johnny Works with Two Hammers

"Minnows, minnows everywhere. They're swimming in my underwear! AHHHH!"

One of their funny songs

On Friday Mike and my dad took the kids fishing and they had a great time. They caught quite a few fish and were very proud of them! Libby was more interested in the hot dog roasting than fishing, but overall Mike said she did pretty good.

Mike's Golden Trout. Kinda creepy looking!

We've had a week full of Halloween festivities as well! Between story time and school parties and Halloween carnivals things were a little crazy. I kept telling myself to get pics of the kids early in the week, but I thought I'd get them on Saturday, but Mitch came down with the stomach flu and so they didn't go trick or treating. I was bummed that Mitch was sick because we had planned to stay the weekend in Salt Lake with my cousin Allison and her family, but it seems like whenever we have something planned with Al and her family one of our kids always get sick. Libby and I still made it down to Salt Lake for my Uncle Ted and Josie's wedding and had a great time with my parents, Marcus, and the crew at the wedding! So that's a condensed version of our week. Hopefully next week won't be quite so crazy busy.

Bowling with the Scouts

A couple of months ago I was called as the new scout leader in our ward, over the 8 year olds. So far it's been pretty fun, and kinda crazy with a bunch of 8 year olds running around but we've been busy. One week as part of their activity we got to go bowling. Of course Libby is coming with us and having a blast with all the boys and Mitch has been able to come a couple of months early.

The Little Reminders

These last few days I've been feeling pretty good, with the exception of Sunday because Sundays are always super hard. I've been trying to take some big leaps of faith and try and stay more positive and happy with some major coaxing from Mike. And for the most part, it's worked and I've been happier and able to focus more on the future and not on the past. Today I took Libby to our library's story time. Today was their Halloween party and so everyone dresses up and goes around to a few of the high school classrooms to "trick or treat" It was pretty crazy, with lots of little kids and moms running around. I was glad to be there with Libby because she has so much fun, but I kept hearing "Graham, come back here Graham." As my heart about pounded out of my chest I thought to myself that this kid's name wasn't Graham, it was Grant or something else. But then over and over and over I heard the name Graham. So I look around to see who it was and it was a little boy, probably around 1 and his mom was chasing him all over. Every time she said his name I just felt like I was getting stabbed or kicked or punched. I kept telling myself that it was so STUPID to feel this way because there are going to be plenty of "Grahams" in the world and I'm going to hear his name all the time. But really I don't hear that name much and so when I do, it's a painful little reminder. Really a stupid little reminder that makes me fall back into my not so happy little world. And for some reason, the little reminders hurt the most.

The Terrible Tooth

So I need another picture, but this one will have to do for now.

We've been fighting with Mitch to get this loose tooth out for the last couple of weeks. It has been the hardest, most painful thing for Mitch to get it out, but yet he's mad that he's one of the last ones his age to lose one of his top teeth. So tonight as we were getting ready for bed I had Mitch lay down with me so I could wiggle his tooth for a minute, he wasn't going to let Mike touch it (he already burned his bridges by wiggling too much) So I wiggled and wiggled and then tied a piece of floss around his tooth and let him tug at it, and then he wanted the floss off, but it wouldn't come off because it was so far under his tooth. So I told Mitch the only way he was getting the floss off was to pull out his tooth, and then I lost it, I couldn't quit laughing, and then he threw a HUGE tantrum and Mike came up because he couldn't believe how ridiculous Mitch was being. Mike was tired of listening to him, so he grabbed the floss, picked Mitch up off the floor with the string ( a little exaggerated) and then POP, the tooth flew out. Mitch cried and cried some more, and Libby cried and cried too. And we searched for the tooth, finally found it and got it ready for the tooth fairy. Boy, that was one terribly, traumatic, tooth-pulling experience, and Mitch made sure to tell me that the reason he didn't want to lose his tooth was that a "new, big, weird tooth would grow in and he'd look funny." You're right Mitch, you're gonna look kinda funny for a while with your new, big tooth.

Faith, Fear & Doubt

My faith has been strengthened ten-fold this last year. My testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and thier plan for us is so much stronger. And I know that Heavenly Father controls all things, that He gets what He wants, and that He does things to help us and to bring us happiness. The issue now is that the Devil seems to be working ten-fold as well, putting lots of fear and doubt into my mind. He doesn't make me doubt God or His goodness or His plan, he makes me doubt myself. He makes me feel so unsure and scared of the future. The future for me and for my family. I find myself at times paralyzed by both the fear and doubt. I tell myself over and over that this is not good, that these feelings don't come from our Heavenly Father, but that they are put there to hold be back from progressing. This week I've come across many old quotes and many new about faith, and they help remind me that things aren't always easy, but that I need to have complete faith in my Heavenly Father that all these things are for my benefit.



"We cannot know what faith is if we have never had it, and we cannot obtain it as long as we deny it. Faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other." -President Thomas S. Monson



"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're hanging on to." -Author Unknown

"On the road to Salvation let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts." -Elder Bushe

First Annual Pumpkin Carving

During Halloween we usually just paint faces, or draw faces (lame) but easy with little kids. This year Mitch was dead set on carving pumpkins. So we started our first annual pumpkin carving night.

Mitch was so excited until we cut the top off and told him to take out the "guts" He freaked out and thought it was so disgusting and wouldn't do it. So Mike and I got all the pumpkins gutted and ready to carve. Mitch did pretty good carving, Libby lost interest real quick. It was a fun night and we ended up with some cute pumpkins.

Our finished products!

Hurried Child is a Stressed Child

I was reading through this blog today. It's a well known blog around here. The Sullengers lost their little girl in an accident this summer. As I was reading through her blog today I came across this video she made about the book "The Hurried Child" As I was reading her blog I was reminded again to take time to enjoy life because you never know when someone you love will be gone. Take time to play with your kids. Let them know you really love them, even though all the other work you are doing is to give them a good life, the work waits. Take time to play. Let your kids do something other than what's in their daily schedule. Let them stay up past bed time once in a while. Take more pictures and just enjoy life more fully. You never know when someone's life work is finished and it's time for them to move on.

A Mother's Perspective

A mother's perspective of her children is always biased, as it should be. Lately Mitch and Libby have been driving me crazy. They were both out for harvest break and so there was a lot of time together, which means a lot of teasing and fighting, and a little bit of loving each other. I've also been super busy with a new job and been pretty edgy lately. So I've been trying really hard to focus on all the good things about my kids. The best time to do this is when they're asleep. They are so peaceful and calm and not fighting with each other. As I looked at my kids several times these last couple of weeks I realized how even as naughty and imperfect they might be at times I'm always gravitated to the perfection in them. As I looked at Mitch I notice that he's a long, lean, not so little boy anymore. He reminds me daily that next month he'll be eight and get to be baptized. He's so excited for his baptism day and he's very conscientious about choosing the right. I look at him and see how he's transformed from this crazy baby boy, with chunky cheeks and spiky hair into a crazy big boy, who's super skinny, with some new "sun kisses" on his face, with dirty fingernails from playing hard outside.

Libby has transformed too. She was the sweetest baby on earth and now she's a little (well, not so little) chunky monkey. The term "sugar and spice" fits her perfectly. She is such a sweet little girl, but definitely has an attitude. She's turned into quite the little mother and really wants to be a big girl. When we play during the day she always wants to be the mom and I"m the little girl. Someday she'll be all grown up and I'll be sad.

At night my mind turns to Graham. Mostly because I don't have as much time to think about him during the day. At night when I lay in bed I try to remember all I can about him because I'm so afraid of forgetting. But the thing that surprises me the most is that I can only remember his perfect hands and feet, and sweet little body. His perfect little lips, his button nose, and his genuine eyes. I remember his light hair and his sweet spirit, but I don't remember his imperfections. Sometimes I feel like I can't remember his face, or him as a whole, but I think I don't remember the imperfections because he will be perfect when I see him again.

I'm grateful to have this perspective of my "perfect" kids. Mostly to remind me of how much Heavenly Father has blessed me. But also to get me through those days where all I can see is their imperfections :)

A Great Weekend

Mike scored some tickets this last week to go to conference in Salt Lake this weekend, so we made some quick plans for the kids and called our friends Caleb and Sarah to go with us. We left Friday night because we had tickets to the Saturday morning session and we didn't want to be in a big hurry. We got to eat at Maddox's (YUM!) on the way down and then hit a late movie and got a couple hours of sleep. Our hotel had a great view of the temple and so that was really fun. Conference was great, as usual, we got to listen to some of our favorite speakers, Elder Holland, President Uchdorf, and of course President Monson. The Tabernacle Choir was FABULOUS. All in all a great day. We ended our trip with lunch at P.F. Changs and a little stroll around the Gateway Mall. Then today we had brunch with my parents, watched a little conference, had a nice long nap, watched more conference and headed back to my parents' house for my grandma's birthday dinner. It's nice to be spriritually uplifted, physically rejunvenated, and mentally ready to get back to the grind of motherhood, and a new job. (Just more working from home, but longer hours) And Libby came up with a makeshift baby brother, Graham. It's her monkey. Cute, but really a little bittersweet.

Come to Jesus by Kenneth Cope

"He Did the Hard Part"

I love Sundays, just really love them and really need the spiritual uplift every week. It's a good refresher of how good life really is and that I need to buck up and quit whining. Today our Relief Society lesson was from President Monson's talk He is Risen and of course it was so good. He talked about Christ and his sacrifice for us. How he paid for our sins and overcame death. We wouldn't be able to complete or mortal life without him. And our teacher gave us a great quote. She said Christ has done the hard part. He suffered so severely for our sins and to overcome death so that we can live with our Heavenly Father if we will repent and do what we should. And that made me feel so much better today. Christ did the hard part, and I can surely survive my trials. I am blessed in so many ways and really need to count my blessing, every one of them, when I start feeling down.

Count Your Blessings

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one.
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly;
And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings, money can not buy,
Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all.
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journeys end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings see what God hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one.
Count your many blessings see what God hath done.

The Heart of Texas

This is the video I watched on BYU tv, if you have the time, it's definitely oen worth watching.

When Everything Seems Like It's Wrong...

...It's all the way it's meant to be. And for me I'm having a hard time coming to terms with this right now. This week has been a tough week. A week full of stress, and sickness, and sadness. A week where the circle of grief has come back to the start. A week where everyday I feel defeated the minute I crawl out of bed. A week where I'm asking God why things are this way, why he can't just please let me go back and even hold Graham for just 5 minutes. I'd give him back again, just let me have him one more time, just for a minute. But really I just want to have Graham here with us, everyday, and have all seem "right". To just have my little life plan work out. To shop for his first Halloween costume instead of finding little trinkets to decorate his grave and having my kids tell me they miss their "little Grahamers" To not envy every pregnant woman or every woman with a newborn (which has really never bugged me until now) and know that my baby is gone and I'm way far away from being ready to have another one.

But one day this week I made myself go to the gym. I still didn't feel great, not in any shape or form, but I went. And when I got to the gym, nothing worked and I was super frustrated. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have come, I should have just stayed home and slept, but then of course Heavenly Father wanted me to be there, to give me a little help, and had I not gone to the gym that day I wouldn't have got it. I got on the bike that day and felt like I needed to turn to they BYU channel. I've watched it a couple of times at the gym and it's always good, but sometimes I end up watching something else. But that day I turned to the BYU channel and heard exactly what I needed to hear. There was a program on about a family who had lost their young daughter in an accident. I don't know exactly what happened because I missed that part, but I saw everything that I needed to see. I saw her mother and father and her brother, Graham (ironic, huh?), and they talked about how their dreams had been shattered, but they knew that their daughter's death was part of Heavenly Father's plan, and not theirs. The mother talked about having hope and faith in God and Jesus Christ. The father talked about forgiveness and God's omniscience. How God can take a little seed, and throw it out and nourish it and make it produce so much more than what it started out from. The father likened this to his daughter and her influence, and the influence her death had on others. And really I thought of Graham as that little seed. He lived on this earth for only five short hours. But I know his little life touched many, but really I can't fully comprehend how his life has helped others, brought them closer to God, and I'm sure in time will bring more people to God. Heavenly Father uses these experiences to help me and others. And although it seems so unfair to me I'm sure Graham is fine with this all. That now he can see how his little time on earth was supposed to help others. And that father said the same. He said I know my daughter, Joy, is thrilled to be where she is and to help others learn some of these basic gospel principles, like love, faith, hope forgiveness ect.

I'm trying to learn some of these principles. The mother said that it was only her hope for the future and her faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that has made it possible to overcome her daughter's death. And I thought about how we have to go through trials to really learn these lessons. I know that I probably wouldn't have the same faith in the gospel and hope for the future had I not gone through this trial with Graham. It's the severe trials that really cement these lessons into our lives, if we let them. So I'm trying to keep some hope in my life. Trying to rely solely on my faith that all these things have happened for the right reasons.

"If God leads you to it, he'll see you through it."

Better Things Ahead

Lately I've had another wave of overwhelming sadness hit. I know the wound is still fresh, but it seemed like I was feeling so much better only to be stopped again in my tracks by these feelings of longing and aching and inadequacy. The tender memories flooding my brain constantly. And then I'm reminded again by a loving Heavenly Father of our earthly plan. Reminded that he knows the beginning from the end and that each of these experiences are part of the plan, and for our good, no matter how much they hurt. And I'm reminded that people and their testimonies can bring us closer to God, and today this is was Angie Smith did for me. Read here. She talks about Lot's wife and how God commanded them to leave Sodom and Gomorrah and not look back, only move forward to things that I would think would be so much better than those evil cities. But she looks back, and who knows what she is looking back at, but she looks back and falls behind and God turns her into a pillar of salt. I've had a quote running through my mind for the past few weeks and Angie's post reminded me of it again.

There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. -CS Lewis

And I keep telling myself that there are better things ahead. Focus on the future. Learn from the past, but it is so hard not to look back and wonder what if. What if Graham were here? What could I have done different. But the feeling of confirmation always comes to me letting me know that God's will was done. That this part of his plan was completed, although I still don't fully understand. But there are better things in the future. More life to live here on earth, and eternity to be with our sweet baby once again. So we move forward and try not to look back too much, and hope Heavenly Father doesn't turn me into a pillar of salt :)

Libby's First Day of Pre-School

Today is Libby's first day of pre-school. And I really have mixed emotions about sending her off today. It really is another of my love/hate relationships. It will be so nice to have a couple hours to myself, three times a week, and the goal is to make it to the gym. But really I'll be an empty nester for a couple of hours and that's sad too, because it reminds me of how my life plans changed abruptly a few months ago. But Libby is excited to go to Mrs. Hansen's this afternoon. She's all ready to be a big girl and go to school.

Libby also started a new Pre-K Choir/Music class. It's a nice little class where they sing, play games and instruments and learn more about music, so it's right up her ally. She had a blast this morning so hopefully she'll like it for the rest of the year.

And we had to post all the pictures, because in pure "Libby style" she had to pose about 10 times for the camera :)

No Way Around It

I read a few days from a blogger friend how grief is a circle. She's farther down her path of grief after losing 2 children and she says that grief is a cycle, one that I'm learning is quite vicious. Many times during this experience with Graham I've thought that I could skip over some of the grieving process, that since his death was an expected outcome, that somehow I could go around this huge thing, or at least just cut a corner or two. But I'm learning that with grief there's really no preparation, there's no cutting corners, there's no way around it, you have to go through it. Some days you feel like you've finally getting back into the swing of things, like you've really come to terms with this life, until you just have a day that knocks you back to day one. A day where your heart literally feels like it's being ripped from your chest. A day that you stop at the cemetery and the reality of the situation hits like a ton of bricks, again. A day when someone asks how many kids you have and you just have to answer with how many kids you have living with you, because it's too hard to explain why you have 3 kids but only 2 here. A day when things are just hard, and you just miss the sweet little baby you once held in your arms.

But then I'm reminded of how good my life really is, how much Heavenly Father has truly blessed me. Our Sunday School lesson this week was on Job and his trials. How he had EVERYTHING taken from him, and he grieved for his losses and his trials, yet he never doubted God. And as his trials came to an end, Heavenly Father blessed him two-fold. The days are hard when the grief hits, when a new stage comes, but I always have to remind myself of my blessings. And God is good, that's for sure.

NEVER EVER GIVE UP IN LIFE

Voice of the Spirit

While many thousands of others truly mourn for the loss of their kindred, yet they rejoice and exult in the hope, and even know, according to the promises of the Lord, that they are raised to dwell at the right hand of God, in a state of never-ending happiness.


And thus we see the great call of diligence of men to labor in the vineyards of the Lord; and thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing--sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the light of Christ unto life.


-Alma 28:12,14

Progressing Through Life

A couple of weeks ago I ran across this quote and it's stuck in my mind ever since.

"Be careful not to compare yourself with others. You ought to be glad you are here. Quit wishing you were somewhere else. Quit wishing you were someone else. When you compare yourself with others you can be led astray. Compare yourself with what you used to be and you will see progress." -Boyd K. Packer

I've thought to myself many times that I wish I could be in someone else's shoes (of course I don't ever think about any of the trials they have to go through,) but really just to have this little "picture perfect" family. One where all your kids are happy and healthy and safe in my arms. But the more I think about it , the more I am truly grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows us so well, and teaches us more about life, even though many of the lessons are tough. I've thought a lot in the last couple of weeks about what our lives might be like if we had Graham here as a happy, healthy baby. I know that we wouldn't be where we are now. We wouldn't have the understanding of the Gospel that we have now. We wouldn't have the relationship that we have with our Heavenly Father. We wouldn't have the relationship with each other that we have now. And as ironic as it seems, I'm thankful for my trials. I wish I could have Graham here, but I know that he's in a better place, and that we will be together again someday. I'm grateful for these learning experiences that help me to progress through life. Those experiences that build my faith and make my testimony stronger. The experiences that make me appreciate everything a little bit more each day. And as I look back at myself, I can see the growth, lots of growth in the last year.

Remembering the Importance of Life

Today at church I heard just what I needed to hear and that's what I love about going to church. Today I was released from Young Women's and put in as a scout leader, so today was my last day with my Beehives. Our lesson today was on the importance of life. In this lesson we were reminded of the beautiful earth Heavenly Father created for us to live on. This magnificent earth that we were given dominion over and which would provide for our temporal needs. Then we were reminded that our divine role as women is to be mothers and to bear spirit children needing to come to earth for their mortal bodies. We were reminded about the consequences of abortion. And we were reminded about the uncertainties that come in life. The entire time I thought of Graham. I thought about that first perinatologist appointment where we had two options, abortion or letting nature run its course. And I remember being horrified at the thought of abortion, and it was never even an option. If we were going to lose the baby early on, nature would take care of it. And it was a scary road. A very uncertain road, one where even doctors didn't really know much. One where we had to trust the Heavenly Father would take care of us. And it was hard, it was frightening and heartbreaking, and yet if we had the choice to do it again, we'd do it in a heartbeat because the joy that came was so great. The life that was brought into the world, only for just a few short hours, was great, and had to come to our family so he complete his test on earth. Every life is important, no matter how long or short their time on earth, no matter if there is health or sickness, no matter what differences each person has. We were commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, and even though there are trials, it's still worth the hardships, it's worth it all to be the mother of some of these sweet spirits of our Heavenly Father.

Big Things Come in Little Packages

Last night I laid in bed and thought of little Graham. How much I missed him. I thought about his strong spirit, and the influence that he's had on not only me, but many with his short time on Earth. His spirit was so big and strong and yet he was in this little body. And as I look back at pictures I realize just how small his body was, but yet I think his spirit made his physical stature seem so much bigger. He surely was a great blessing that came in a little package.

I've been reading a little book lately from Neal A. Maxwell, "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience," that has some big things in it as well. Big promises and reminders of God's love for us. He gives a quote by President Kimball that says:

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experiences and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments. We knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualites with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and the unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or unreasonable demands. We sometimes think we would like to know what was ahead, but sober thought brings us back to accepting life a day at a time and magnifying and glorifying that day."

And I'm reminded of the plan we were presented in heaven, that we agreed to this all, and that it was for our good. Elder Maxwell went on to say "since there was no exemption from suffering for Christ, how can there be one for us? Do we really want immunity from adversity? Especially when certain kinds of suffering can aid our growth in this life? To deprive ourselves of those experiences, much as we might momentarily like to, would be to deprive ourselves of the outcomes over which we shouted with anticipated joy when this life's experiences were explained to us so long ago, in the world before we came here."

"And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." Ether 12:6

Mitch's First Day of 2nd Grade

Mitch is in 2nd grade.

Where did the time go?

He's going to Riverside Elementary this year,

In Mrs. Stalder's class,

and he was pretty excited and pretty nervous this morning too!

He got up early,

picked out his clothes (none of his new school clothes)

And was ready to go.

And I missed him today.

And I felt a little anxious too, having him gone all day,

even longer days with their new schedule.

But I knew he was ok,

until I got a phone call from the school.

Mitch was told he was getting picked up from school,

I told him to ride the bus home.

So he sat for half an hour afterschool,

but we got him picked up,

and he fell asleep on the way home.

Today was a good first day of school.

Our Summer in Photos (or Lack of)

I sit here tonight and I can't believe that our summer vacation is really over. We've done quite a bit this summer and yet I haven't been great about documenting all of it, but here are a few of our photos from our summer. We played tennis and coach pitch. We played with friends and family and swam and swam and swam. And we had ourselves plenty of lazy days, just hanging out at home, passing the time. And we had kids that pestered eachother 24/7 and sleepovers at Grandma's. We've eaten lots of popsicles and ice cream, used lots of sunscreen, and now it all comes to an end. And there is a time and season for all things, so I guess it's good that the summer comes to an end and we start with a schedule and all that jazz, but I'm going to have to admit, I'm not looking forward to waking up early!

Changes in Seasons

One thing I love about where I live is the changes in seasons. I love getting to experience many different types of weather during the year and we are headed into my favorite time of the year, fall. The mornings are so cool and crisp, and yet it still warms up during the day. The harvesting of crops is beginning, and even though I wasn't really much of a farm girl I love the harvest season. Seeing the crops that have grown so much finally be harvested and the ground will soon be tilled once again to prepare for next year. The leaves will start changing before long and school begins and life starts calming down from the busy summer. And this year I'm feeling a change in the seasons with myself. Feeling the calming effects coming into my life right now. We've had a crazy, life changing summer and now we're calming back down to life as we know it, which is good. We're reaping some of the blessings that have come from this trial of growth. And as I watch the sunset and the sprinklers on the field tonight, I'm feeling so blessed and thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who blesses us in so many ways.

A Gift in the Mail

Yesterday I received a special gift in the mail. We got the pictures our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I've been waiting for these for a while and yesterday was a good day to get them. Sweet reminders of our little angel baby, and he does look like an angel in these photos. It's a good reminder to me that the short five hours we had with him was worth all the pain, definitely worth it all.

A huge thank you to Kimberlee Kenner for taking these photos. NILMDTS is a great organization that helps so many families during their time of need, please let people know about this great organization and their programs.