A Gift in the Mail

Yesterday I received a special gift in the mail. We got the pictures our photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I've been waiting for these for a while and yesterday was a good day to get them. Sweet reminders of our little angel baby, and he does look like an angel in these photos. It's a good reminder to me that the short five hours we had with him was worth all the pain, definitely worth it all.

A huge thank you to Kimberlee Kenner for taking these photos. NILMDTS is a great organization that helps so many families during their time of need, please let people know about this great organization and their programs.

School Shopping

This last week we went on a little shopping trip to Salt Lake. It was a much needed mini-vacation and it was nice to get away for a couple of days. We went with Grandma JoAnn and met up with Allison, Grace and Max. These are just a few of the snapshots I got. The kids had a blast, shopping and getting spoiled by Grandma. We shopped, we swam, we ate and we talked. Couldn't get any better than that!

Libby's new shades. And she lost them at the very last store of the shopping trip, so sad :(

One of the few times Mitch actually had a smile on his face. He felt picked on being the only boy with all the girls and all the stores were so "girly" and didn't have any cool boy stuff.

New Shades

Little play stop

Max was quite a good little shopper. His mom has trained him well :)

The girls had a great time together

The best part of the trip for me! We had a lady come to the hospital when Graham was born and do these hand and foot impressions. They were finished and so we got to pick them up.

Little feet ornaments, so sweet!

We had a great time! Thanks Grandma for the trip!

Motherhood

Today I sat in church and just watched all the mothers in our ward. Mothers ranging in age, but all showing their motherly characteristics. And I reflected during that hour about motherhood. How we are created with this instinct that makes us mothers, we become mothers as soon as we know there's a new life in us. We find ourselves dreaming about how great motherhood is, how we can conquer it all, that our kids will always be clean and perfectly dressed, and well behaved all the time. But we soon find that motherhood isn't as predictable as we had hoped. That motherhood is a hard job, the hardest, most demanding job I think we have as women, because it never stops. We don't quit being moms, ever. I watched all these different women with their children, (as I struggled with mine at times as well) and thought about all the different aspects of motherhood that aren't always so pleasant. The whining and crying, the wrestling in church pews, the baby spitup, and dirty diapers, and just pure restlessness of children being restrained for an hour. And I watched mothers with older children, those having struggles with their children that aren't visible to the audience like small children. The disobedient teenagers, the ones who look at their parents like they're stupid. And I thought of all the bad things that kids do, and how frustrating it gets as parents. How some days you just feel like you're going to explode. And then I thought about more of the unexpected things that come with motherhood. The women who aren't able to bear children, who long to just have a baby. Or those who have children with special needs, that have a lot more pressure on them than the typical mother. Or like me, the one who was asked to give her child back to Heavenly Father. And I realized that we take motherhood for granted. We just expect it to be something that we do, that always falls into place. We quickly learn that it's not always easy, that kids will be kids, that your time for mothering might not be here or now, and that makes it hard. But one things for sure, during all the bad times, there are way more good times. More little hugs and kisses, more little sweet comments, more cuddles and more cuteness, and that makes this whole mother thing WAY worth it.

Joining the Club

I've just joined a new club.

Initiation was hard,

So hard, and so painful.

Everyday I wish I hadn't joined,

That I would have had a choice in the matter.

But now I'm a member,

A mother who has lost her child,

Just one of the many mothers in this club.

But these mothers are so loving and kind.

They understand how you feel,

They've walked in your shoes.

Many are strangers,

But become your best friends.

All are just wanting to help,

Help with what they can,

Which sometimes isn't much,

But the small things mean the world to a new member of this club.

The small notes of encouragement,

The tender hugs,

The acts of service,

Most unseen by others.

All to help ease the pain of another.

They are selfless women,

Who only want to save others from joining this club,

And enduring this pain.

I'm thankful for these women in my life.

For the strength they've been to me.

For helping me find my way through this journey.

And even though most days I wish I weren't a member,

I've vowed myself to helping others,

In whatever way they need,

To help ease the pain,

Just a little.

Bounteous Blessings

This weekend I have been so thankful for the bounteous blessing our Heavenly Father bestows upon us in every aspect of our lives. This weekend we went to Mesa Falls and Yellowstone National Park with our friends, the Diaz's. It was so nice to just get away for the day and to take time to reflect on the beauties of the earth. Heavenly Father blessed us to live in such a beautiful world. As I'm ou in nature it always strenthens my testimony of God and his great creations. The last couple weeks have been rough, a rollercoaster of emotions, which leave me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually drained most days. But as we spent time this weekend in a good atmosphere with good friends, I couldn't help but count the blessing that I have and not focus on what I don't have.

Mesa Falls

All the kids, they had a great time!

Little Hank was a trooper!

Dewey had quite the time with his chocolate chip cookie.

I was again reminded today of how aware Heavenly Father is of our needs. He knows just how to implement things in your life, to help you along the way, to remind you of your purpose, and to remind you of His love. The lesson I taught today in Young Womens dealt with Sacrifice. We talked about the Sacrifices of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and we talked about what we have to sacrifice today. And really in the scheme of things, I think the sacrifices we are expected to make are do-able. We often are asked to sacrifice our time and our means, sometimes our sacrifices seem harder, but we have to keep in mind that sacrifices wouldn't be hard if they didn't mean so much to us, and also that we will find greater blessings for our sacrifices. I was listening to Graham's graveside service this week and Bishop Keller gave a thought from Brigham Young that has stuck in my mind all week. Brigham Young said that when we suffer trials and give sacrifices that are extremely hard, we are blessed with superior blessings. And Bishop Keller made a good point that we all like just good old blessings, and we really would like superior blessings, but those come with learning and growth. Those superior blessings are great, but aren't usually all experienced immediatly. We experience many now, and many in the future. And as I tried to tie everything together today for my girls, I told them that so far in my life, my greatest sacrifice has been that of giving Graham back to Heavenly Father, sending him on another mission away from us, but that the blessings we have experienced have been ten-fold what we probably would have received if he were here, so hard to say, but true. My family and I are truly blessed and I'm so grateful.

Sacrifices and Faith

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Lots of reading to find more information to help with the healing process. And in my reading I've found lots of info that makes me say "Ah Ha" or "that's just how I'm feeling." And it makes me feel better that lots of people have walked this path before, and survived. And lots of people walk harder paths, and they survive too. We all have our trial in our lives, sacrifices we have to make. Throughout the history of man, we've all had sacrifices to make, some easier than others, but all the same in the fact that it's hard. I ran across this story on Sunday and I can't get it out of my mind, thinking about others giving up their sons.

We admire our pioneer ancestors for their courage and their sacrifice, and well we should. We read about what they did, and we stand back in awe wondering if we could do the same these days. Well, in that spirit, may I share the story – the ‘touching’ story of Drusilla Hendricks?
In 1839 Drusilla was living in the happiest days of her life – a new home, a new faith, and a loving family. Then one night her world was changed. Her husband, James, was shot in the neck by a mob, leaving him paralyzed from the neck down. The mob then drove her from her home and ransacked it. The family returned to their home only then to be ordered to leave the state immediately.
Drusilla sold the family land for enough money to buy oxen to pull a small wagon, and she then set out for Illinois in the cold winter weather of early March. When she finally settled, friends built a log cabin for her, which she then chinked and plastered herself.
After that, to make ends meet, Drusilla, with a family of 5 children under the age of 11 – she began raising a large garden, taking in boarders, and selling homemade gingerbread and mittens. Drusilla worked hard; she did all that she could to support herself.
But again, their peace was only temporary. Mobs again descended upon her people, and in the winter of 1846 Drusilla again loaded up her family, crossed the Mississippi River, and turned her face to the west.
They had not gone far, however, when word came that volunteers were needed to join the United States Army in a war with Mexico. By now Drusilla’s oldest son, William, was 18, and William wanted to join the army. For 7 years this son had been her greatest help. There was no way. How could she give him up? How in the world would she survive a more than 1000-mile journey across the wilderness without him? There was no way.
Then one morning as Drusilla was preparing to fix breakfast, the familiar voice of the spirit spoke to her in words such as these:
“Drusilla, do you desire the greatest glory of heaven?”
“Yes, Lord,” she answered.
“Then, how can you get it without making sacrifices?”
“Lord, what lack I yet?”
The voice of the Lord came softly, “Let your son go in the battalion.”
William joined the army with his mother’s urging. But the pain and the grief were too much for her. Seeking seclusion, Drusilla knelt down and poured out her heart, as only a mother would understand, to a loving God. She told the Lord He could take her oldest son if He wanted, “but please - please Lord, spare his life.”
And then with that ‘peace that passeth all understanding,’ the Lord spoke to this woman of awesome faith. Gently and reassuringly, He said, “It shall be done unto you as it was unto Abraham when he offered Isaac on the altar.” (Story based on Historical Sketch of James Hendricks and Drusilla Dorris Hendricks.” Typescript: LDS Church Archives)
My dear friends, true religion requires sacrifice or it will never produce strong faith. We of this pampered generation need not worry about whose sacrifices were greater, the pioneers’ or ours. For the faithful, a just and loving Father in Heaven will make sure that the sacrifices and trials we endure are sufficient for the glory we will receive. But please know this: Those of us who are fond of our comfort and ease, there must be a price paid for faith.
It was once said this way: “… No cross, no crown; No gall, no glory; No thorns, no throne.” (President Ezra Taft Benson, Area Conference Report, Taipei, Taiwan, 1975, p. 3.)
Glenn Rawson – July 2000

This last weekend the youth in our ward went on a Pioneer Trek, and I really wanted to go with my Young Women. My mom reminded me it probably wouldn't be the best idea with me emotional state, which is probably right, but nonetheless I wanted to go. I love listening to pioneer stories, and this one about Sister Hendricks really hit me hard. I felt like she did in some ways. How blessed my life is. I have nothing to complain about whatsoever. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful family, and the glorious gospel. And yet we faced this challenge with Graham, we had to sacrifice this earthly time with Graham. And it's hard, everyday is a different day, some days are much harder than others. But like the story said, "there must be a price paid for faith." And with my sacrifice of Graham has come great faith. Undying faith in the Gospel and in our Savior Jesus Christ. Complete faith in the Plan of Salvation. And yet I still find myself wanting a life of ease, where everything going right, but I know that if we want to move foward in our eternal progression we must suffer some.

We can't pray that God will make our lives free of
problems. That won't happen, and it is good that it doesn't. We
can't ask Him to make us and those we love immune to disease, because He won't
do that. We can't ask Him to weave a magic spell around us so that bad
things will only happen to other people, and never to us.... But people who pray
for courage, for strenth to bear the unbearable, for the grace to remember what
they have left instead of what they have lost, very often find their prayers
answered. They discover that they have more strength, more courage than
they ever knew themselves to have.... Their prayers helped them tap the hidden
reserves of faith and courage which were not available to them
before. - Harold S. Kushner

Conversations

Libby: Look at my baby! She's dead.

Playmate: She's not dead, she's just sleeping.

Libby: No, she's dead, and that's not sleeping. She died so we have to bury her.

Playmate: I think she's still sleeping.

I sat here today listening to Libby have this conversation with her friend, and really, it broke my heart. It's so sad to me that this is her new life. That she thinks babies die, and that you bury them. You don't bring them home to love and take care of. You love them and you go to their graveside. You bring them sweet trinkets because that's really all you can do. Now that's Libby's idea of babies. So sad. But maybe she has a better grasp of death than we do. That death isn't the end, that death is just a short goodbye.