Patience is a Virtue

And a virtue I don't possess much of! Can I just say that these last few months have been the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime! And we're not off the ride yet! We've had ups and downs and lots of confusion and no clear answers, and Mitch's words from the Colossus ride at Lagoon sums it up. "That was miserable." Well at least this week has been a bit miserable. Our week started off with a routine trip to the perinatologist. Now we see a group of doctors so we don't always see the same doctor, but we've seen the same doctor twice in a row now. So we went in for our appointment and did the routine ultrasound. I asked the U/S tech if the baby was small and he is measuring a week behind, but that's not unusual she said. So we looked at the baby's head the the encephahlacil is bigger, filled up with more fluid. So the doctor comes in and gives us a whole new rundown from last month. He's not sure what the outcome will be, nor can he tell what part of the brain is actually outside of the skull, so scratch what he said last month (No hope at all) and now you can plan on delivering at U of U and sending the baby straight to Primary Children's for neurosurgery. So to say the least, Mike and I were a bit overwhelmed!!!! Every appointment goes from one end of the spectrum to the other. So we were told to go to Primary Children's to meet with a Pediatric Neurosurgeon in hopes that he would have a better idea of the outcome and how we should plan. We made it to Primary Children's on Thursday, got mixed up with the wrong doctor, but eventually made it to the right place. And in the meantime I had a meltdown seeing all the sick kids and the parents trying to put on their best faces but the strain and heartache shows all over. Boy, it's hard to go to Primary Children's at anytime, but when you face the idea that your child will be the one there, it's a bit overwhelming. Mike kept telling me we haven't even seen the doctor, you don't need to cry. But I was crying for those poor kids, one little girl in particular about Libby's age, who just broke my heart. So I tried to compose myself and finally we made it to the right doctor, the moment of truth, what can we expect??????? The doctor told us that it is almost impossible to know for sure what the outcome will be until the baby is here. He said it is really too hard to look at any picture and make a decision, unless they see something really severe close to the end of the pregnancy. So his advice to us was to keep going and get the baby here and then it's all dependant on little Graham and what his body can withstand. So maybe a little hope, but still unsurity and fear for sure. So we keep trecking, and praying and trusting in Heavenly Father, and working on the virtue of patience. But I am so grateful for Mitch and Libby and their healthy little bodies. All I could look forward to last night was crawling in bed with all of them and squeezing them all night.

Unredeemed

Life breaks and falls apart

But we know these are Places where grace is soon to be so amazing

It may be unfulfilled

It may be unrestored

But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

But you never know the miracle the Father has in store

Just watch and see

It will not be unredeemed

Lyrics by Selah

Heart Songs

How does your heart speak to you? Is it more your head or your heart? So far in my life my heart has been right about most thing, thanks to the Holy Ghost as well, but then my head gets in the way. Well right now my heart and my head are spinning, so what should I listen to?????? It's chaos right now, hopefully it calms down a little in the next few days, or I might be taking a trip to State Hospital South!

Drum Roll Please....

So I think we finally decided on a name. Of course it is one that was never on Mike or I's list of names, but one we could agree on. We've always had a hard time naming our children and we always seem to change their names once we get them here, but this little guy is special, and he needs a name right now (that's what my heart tells me anyways) So on to the excitement, we've decided that his name will be Michael Graham Lindsay. So I'm feeling much better that we have that taken care of and I actually have a name for him. Didn't get my way, but I guess that's okay!

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;

and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him,

and he shall direct thy paths.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

Time

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS BRUTALLY HONEST, SO READ WITH PATIENCE AND CARE AS I STAMMER ON TODAY, AND DON'T JUDGE TOO HARSHLY.

This week time has been on my mind. How fast time goes but yet can stand still as well. This week Mitch celebrated his 100th day at school. My mom made the comment that that meant there were only 80 days of school left (I'm sure both my mom and Mitch are counting those days down :)) But that comment made me freak out a little bit and it's bugged me all week. Time, we have such a short time with our sweet baby, but yet it's been a long road, with lots more trecking to do.

Today we were trying to get some Saturday cleaning done and I went into the spare bedroom to clean up some left over odds and ends and put the boxes of regular clothes in there for storage so I didn't have to pack them downstairs. As I picked things up and organized what I could I had a really hard time. That is supposed to be the baby's room. It has been since we drew up the blueprints for the house. But now that's not what is going to happen and today I was sad. I've waited for this time to repaint and make this room cute, like the other kids' rooms. I'd hope we'd have a boy because the dresser was already to go and I wouldn't have to redo that. But I sat there today realizing that this was not how it is going to be, and probably in Heavenly Fathers plan wasn't meant to be. But today was a day I wanted a miracle SO BAD. Just let this baby be normal and come home and sleep in his room. And stay with his family and let us watch him grow up. But then Heavenly Father comforts me and tells me it's okay, just keep up the faith, it will all work out.

So time is on my mind, such a short time, such a long road and the fear is really starting to kick in. So now we take things day by day and enjoy our baby while he's here and trust in the Lord.

It's all in the plan

This week we had a special stake conference and Elder Richard G. Scott, from the Quorum of the 12 Apostles came. Along with him was Elder Hammond from the Area Seventies. It was a great meeting and I had looked forward to it for weeks. When President Jenks spoke to us he told us that if the church stayed the same size and and member of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles was to visit each stake it would take 28 years before they would return to ours. CRAZY! So it was a really neat experience. Both Elder Hammond and Elder Scott gave wonderful talks. As I was listening it all applied to me but I was waiting to hear something that gave us some hope regarding the baby. Elder Scott recalled the death of their infant son and the loss that they felt. He talked about how at that time him and his wife knew that they had a son on the other side that was perfect and they had to live a life that they would be able to return to him. That thought has definitely crossed my mind and does make me to be better all the time.

Elder Scott also said "Sometimes our greatest difficulies in life teach us the greatest blessings." How true that is. We've learned so much just during this trial and I'm sure will continue to learn and enjoy many blessings to come. He also brought up something that I had never thought of. He talked of the concept of Justice, and how our Heavenly Father is a just God. He said that all the trials and hardships we endure faithfully we will be rewarded with many blessings not only here but in the Eternities. What a great promise. I must admit that the beauty of all this is that I know that Heavenly Father has promised Mike and I the opportunity to raise this baby in the Eternities. As long as we live the Gospel, we will be with our sweet baby once more. And that right there makes this all worth it!

Humor for the Day

So we've had a few things at our house that have made us laugh over the last couple of days. Yesterday there were some flowers delivered to our house and Mitch asked me who gave me the flowers. I told him I didn't know but it must be someone who loved me then I asked him if he sent me the flowers. He told me frankly that he loved me but he didn't love me enough to send flowers! Thanks Mitch, you know how to melt your mother's heart.

Thank you Minor's for the flowers. They were beautiful and really brightened my day!

Mitch has also started playing Jazz basketball these last few weeks and let me tell you, it's quite comical to watch them. I must admit that the competitive spirit really gets to me and it's hard for me to watch a ball game like this, but it is fun to watch all these kids run around with no idea what is going on.

Mitch and his friend Nate Goodwin.

During the last game Mitch ran off the court during the game and started whining to us that he hadn't made a shot and he was really upset. Well this upset his dad and so he told him he better get back out there and quit whining. So needless to say Mitch went back out. There was only about a minute left in the game and Mitch got the ball and ran as fast as he could to make a shot. He missed and got the rebound and tried again, and again, and again. Until after about 30 seconds he finally made a shot and was happy for the day. I'm not sure whether to laugh or be embarrased about our "little ball hog" but I sure love watching him play ball. Can't wait till he gets a little older!

I Will Carrry You

This is a song I found from Angie Smith's blog. This was written for her daughter, Audrey, but they lyrics explain my feelings exactly.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

Performed by Selah

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not

Truth is I'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this.

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One Who's chosen me

To carry you

The Miracle Behind This Blog

So I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to start a blog, now for most people it's pretty simple to start and to begin journaling daily events or milestones in their families lives, and that part so far has been easy. It was easy for me to post about Mitch and Libby and our Christmas because they are so familiar and concrete and tangible and so that's where I began. For the past couple of days I've really wanted to write this post, but didn't know where to start or how to explain or how to get my thoughts into writing, and I still have no idea. I'm sitting here with my heart pounding and feeling anxious and my head spinning. I never thought this would be so hard, but yet so healing at the same time, so on to the REAL reason I wanted to start this blog. Last summer I really started wanting to have another baby. I knew that this was normal, but now looking back that longing was so strong and I was feeling that our family was definitely incomplete and I believe that we were supposed to have this baby. We had always thought we would want 3 kids and so at the sime time this was the natural path and our monster Libby was getting a little older and we just decided it was the perfect time. My friend Diana was planning the same thing so it felt like this was all working out perfect! So the summer passed and fall rolled around and we knew we were expecting, except I had this feeling that something wasn't quite right. I kept telling myself that I was just worrying and that everything was fine (Heavenly Father was preparing me). I went to my first OB appointment at 9 weeks and everything went as normal. I had an ultrasound and the US tech made sure there wasn't twins and we felt like everything was great. I went into the Dr. Office to wait for him and was reassuring myself everything was fine. As the Dr. came in he said congratulations but that there was something wrong with the baby, my intuition was right, and that's when the tears came. The doctor said he thought the baby had an encephalacil or basicially an hernia on its head. He set up an appointment with the perinatologist and they confirmed this condition. About half of the baby's brain is outside of the skull and the prognosis is likely death.
As we've gone through the last couple of months we've had lots of emotions. There are definitely the ups and the downs and the question of is this really happening??? But as I've faced this trial in life I've grown closer to my Heavenly Father and I am grateful for that. Gratitude overflows my heart.

I am grateful for this miracle baby boy and his choice spirit.

I am grateful I have been chosen to be his mother.

I'm grateful for Mike and his testimony, he is the rock for our family (And the rational thinker when I get a little crazy!).

I'm grateful for my two children living, and for their spirits and their ability to keep me going. I'm grateful for loving family and friends who support us during our darkest moments.

And I'm especially grateful for my loving brother, Jesus Christ, who suffered for us that we might return to our heavenly home. What a miracle he is for all of us.

So some might call me crazy for looking at our baby boy and his condition as a miracle, but it is. It's not the miracle that most have in mind, but he is touching many lives as he comes to earth to gain his body. He has taught me so much and will continue to teach me as we go along with life. Heavenly Father is most capable of miraculous healing, but he also sacrificed his son that we might live. So here our journey begins, full of smiles and tears, but mostly gratitude that we were given this opportunity to grow and to bring one more child to our family.

There are two ways to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle.

The other is as though everything is a miracle.

-Angie Smith

P.S. I'm hoping to to name him Collins Michael, but that needs to go up for a final vote in our house first, but that's my vote, hopefully I'll get my way.

Libby's 3rd Birthday

Libby's birthday this year was really fun because she knew that birthday= presents!!! She told us she was going to be three, but she can't quite get that third finger up. Her birthday was on a weekday so Mike was off to work early and we had to get Mitch to school, and Libby decided to sleep in that day. Mitch was so upset that he had to go to school because he wanted to see her open her presents. He BEGGED me to not open up her presents until afterschool, but I told him that wasn't fair for her to sit and look at them all day, so needless to say Mitch was upset when we picked him up from school and he saw all of her new stuff.

Nice Cheesy Smile! Mom and Libby had a fun morning of opening presents and trying them all out. She was thrilled with her loot, she loves princess dress-up clothes and her new Polly Pocket car. She got some new outfits, which she said were "pretty cute" but she just left those off to the side.

Later that night we went to the Snake River vs. Blackfoot game so we got home kinda late, but still needed to have cake. Her cake topper didn't make it on, but oh well, she was thrilled that it was her turn to blow the candles out. Overall, we had lots of present from grandparents and friends. She made out like a bandit!!! (And Mitch made sure to keep track of how many presents she got compared to how many presents he got for his birthday, that kid!) We are so grateful for Libby and her SUGAR & SPICE personality. She is such a blessing to us! Happy Birthday Libby!