We must not think Pride is something God forbids because He is offended at it, or that Humility is something He demands as due to His own dignity — as if God Himself was proud. He is not in the least worried about His dignity. The point is, He wants you to know Him: wants to give you Himself. And He and you are two things of such a kind that if you really get into any kind of touch with Him you will, in fact, be humble — delightedly humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got rid of all the silly nonsense about your own dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life."
~C.S. Lewis

Faith

Our society today is a "believing is seeing" society, and I would say that many times I would agree. But my faith has been strengthened more over the last few months than ever in my life. The trust we put in God that things happen for a reason. That all questions are not answered quickly or visibly, but come with time. When we first found out that there were problems with Graham I came home and got on the computer and read every article I could find on the Church website about trials with child loss and I bookmarked the ones that really stuck out in my mind. Today and went back a read a few and this one stuck out in my mind today. Read it here. Having faith is hard, and having faith and being positive is even harder. This last weekend I went back through my blog and read back to when Graham was born. I'm trying my hardest to find the positive in all this. And some days it's really hard to count my blessings. But there's no doubt in my mind that things work out for a reason. That God works in mysterious ways. That he works in small and simple ways. As I look back over the last year all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. It was about a year ago that we started thinking about having another baby, and I got REALLY baby hungry, which really isn't like me. It was something that I had to do, and soon. And then once I was pregnant I just had that feeling that something wasn't right, and then that was confirmed with the doctor and the rollercoaster ride began. But hindsight is 20/20 and everything worked out perfectly. Graham did everything he was supposed to. He got his body and enjoyed every minute he had with it. He came when he was supposed to, not when he was planned to. And the events after Graham's birth have all fallen into place too, as pleasant and unpleasant as some have been. So I'm trying to increase my faith and stay positive at the same time.

P.S. Did I mention that Mike is the King of Positive, so he's quick to remind me when I'm being Negative Nellie :)

The Weekend

Thank heaven for these two!

This last weekend was hard. It seems like things are getting harder every day that passes. Maybe because we are slipping back into the world after having this great spiritual experience. Probably moreso because Satan is finding this the perfect time to get me, while I'm vulnerable, and that is exactly what I am in every way, completely vulnerable. This weekend was hard for so many reasons, the constant reminders of Graham everywhere I go and even in my dreams. I think I felt loss in so many ways this weekend. I felt the immediate loss of not having Graham in my arms. I felt the loss of a future with Graham. I looked at Mitch and Libby and felt a loss for them, how this has affected them is so many ways, and I worry that they're scarred for life. That they've seen so many hard things that kids shouldn't have to deal with. That they've been neglected so much the last few weeks (but I know that's not true because they've been spoiled rotten by so many people) And everytime I looked at Mitch I could see so many resemblances between him and Graham. Their lips and their noses and I just craved to have that baby in my arms. And I craved watching him grow up with his brother and sister.

My parents took the kids for a sleepover and so Mike and I went to dinner and a movie, which was really nice, but I had a hard time not just wanting to be home with our family and relaxing with a new baby like it should be. And we went swimming this weekend and the kids had a blast, but all I really wanted to do was to be inside with Graham. And even when the days would come to an end the dreaming began, some pleasant and some nightmares. And so I felt so alone in so many ways, stuck in the crazy nightmare. And now the weekend is over and I've dove into working this week, hoping that the new week will better.

Naive

Many women have said after they lost a child that they often look back at their old selves and think, "I was so naive, I had no idea what was coming." I'm thinking the same of the Pre-Graham Quinn, except I was so naive for thinking that I could try and prepare myself for this life-changing event. That I knew exactly how I would feel and that I would be able to save myself some grieving time. It is such a weird thing to anticipate the birth and death of your child in such a short period of time. And it's odd to me how in a second your life can change. I loved Graham from the minute I knew he was coming to our family. Thought that I loved him all I could while I was pregnant. I tried to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months. But how naive of me, because the moment I saw Graham that love grew infinitely. The love that I thought I had for him seemed like nothing. And the greater the love, the greater the pain. So as I look back to the old me, I think "wow, I thought I knew what was coming, but I had no clue." No clue that this one day would turn my life upside down. That the emotions I thought I had prepared myself to be the worst are really the easiest to deal with. I didn't anticipate the fog, and the absolute helplessness that would come with losing Graham. I didn't anticipate the depth of sorrow, nor the paralyzing fear. I was naive, but now I know better. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I ever imagined, and that I'm a better person because of Graham. He made me so strong and less naive in the loss area of my life.

One Month

Today I woke up earlier than usual and started getting a few things done before we left for Mitch's tennis camp. I was tired, but that's nothing new. We hopped in the car and headed to town when I felt like a ton of brick hit me. It's been one month since we had Graham. I had been dreading this day for the past week. The anticipation of it scared me, so when I woke up this morning and didn't remember I was a little surprised. But I can say that when it hit me this morning I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, like reality was really hitting me now. I had a baby, and he's gone. I've had a pit in my stomach all day. I've been trying to distract myself with anything I can possibly find. I bought Mitch and Libby a bunch of water toys for the yard today, hoping I would be distracted with them. I tried to get lots of yard work done. But my thoughts run rampant. I miss him like crazy. I wonder why, a lot. I hear people tell me all the time how much Graham has taught them and all I can think is why him? Why did he have to do this? Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just have him? And today the understanding isn't there. I don't understand much today, I just hurt. My arms are empty and my heart is feeling a little empty too. I ran across a blog today talking about how hard it is to me a mom. How sometimes there's nothing we can do to make us or our children feel better, but the happiness and joy we do feel is worth all the pain. And as I thought about this I thought to myself, "Is it really worth it to be a mom? Is it really worth all this pain?" And as I reflected at pictures of Graham and Libby sleeping on the couch I thought, "YES! It's all worth it. The joy and the pain. I'm so glad I have my kids, all of them, and even though Graham is gone, I'm so thankful he is ours, that we got 5 hours with him, and that we get him again someday. Graham was worth it, if that's all I understand, I guess that's all I need.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
-Jeffrey R. Holland

Come What May and Love It

Today I had some pretty deep conversations with two good friends. Today was a day that I needed to talk. To talk about how I feel, the insecurities, and craziness, and sadness, and fear that lingers with me constantly. The emotions of grief that you have to go through because there's no way around them. And as we talked about Graham and how he's affected us, we tried to understand Heavenly Father's plan a little better. From the Creation to our individual lives. And as we listened to each other's ideas I thought about how little we really know. How we as humans expect to know everything, but we don't know much at all. We rely so much on faith. Faith that all things happen for a reason. That there is a time for every season. And I kept reflecting back to Elder Wirthlin's talk "Come What May and Love It". How I've tried to make this my new life motto. And how important it is to stay positive and not give into Satan's negative and destructive thoughts. So this YouTube video has sustained me many times during the last few months and will continue to buoy me up through my life. So though I don't understand much, this much I know. God gives us so many bounteous blessings, and He has told us "Where much is given, much is required". So I'll take what comes my way and love it.

Friendship

Today has been a reflecting day. One of those days I try to go back in time and play things through my head. But today I went way back in time. Back to the beginning of this trial. And as I reflected, one thing hit me strong today, and that was the bond of friendship. During this last year our bonds of friendship have been strengthened tremendously. We have had more friendship from family and old friends, we have renewed friendships from long lost friends. We've created new friendships, many from strangers we've never met. We've gained friendships from doctors and nurses and other medical personnel. And as I reflect I am so grateful for those friendships, for those who are sincerely supporting us. These friendships are ones that I'd like to keep forever, because they're genuine, and near and dear to my heart. So thanks friends! I love you forever!

Our Dad

The Dad in our house is the best!

We'd be lost without him.

He loves his kids,

He loves his wife,

and he loves God.

He is the rock in our family.

He provides for us,

gives us all he can.

He keeps us strong during trying times.

Cheers us up when we're sad and

Makes us laugh always!

Words can express how much we love him!

Happy Father's Day!

Torn Between Two Worlds

Today we went back to the temple for the first time since Graham was born. I was ready to go back. It was nice to have a break from the world and have some time to think. As we sat through our session all I could think about was how the temple ordinances and having our family sealed together has a whole new meaning. Not that it wasn't important before, but maybe we took it for granted. We had our family together, here with us now, and so the importance of the ordinance wasn't fresh in our minds. As we finished our session and got to the Celestial room I thought to myself, "This is what we will be looking forward to. This will be where we meet Graham again." And as I watched other people at the temple today there were lots of weddings and lots of other people being sealed and I was reminded again how much our faith is based on families. How important families are to us. And today I was torn. Graham was with us today, we felt his spirit so strong. And I didn't want to leave, I wanted to stay forever. But the other part of me was longing to get home to Mitch and Libby. I was so torn, and when we did decide to leave it was hard. It felt like good-bye all over again. Right now I am torn between two worlds. I'm still here to finish my mission, to take care of my family here. But one day we won't be torn, we won't have to make the decision to leave, and we'll be together forever. What a blessing, one that was taken for granted before, but never again.

Called On A Mission

Some people say that when they send off a missionary it is the closest thing to having them die. They are gone, you lose daily contact, and the list goes on. As my brother has been gone we've gone through the same motions of missing him and being sad because we're used to seeing him all the time, but we still get to e-mail him every week and we get to hear from him on some holidays and we know that he's only going to be gone for two years so that makes up for all that time in between. Also knowing that he's serving our Heavenly Father makes it better too.

Well Graham has been called on a mission too. Not an Earthly mission but a Heavenly mission. We don't get him back in two years and we don't get any e-mails or phone calls. We do feel his spirit with us and sometimes we even have very vivid dreams of him. I wish I could say that knowing that he is serving his Heavenly Father makes it all better but right now I'm still just missing him, getting used to him not being around, and this is the hard time. The long, hard metaphorically speaking first year of his mission. The year that seems to drag on, where you are getting used to the missionary being gone from your life. And then the second year rolls along and it seems like it's gone before you know it. I don't know when this "first year" for me is going to be over, maybe not until I'm much older. But I'm sure I'll be able to say in the Eternities that I'm glad Graham left on that mission. That it might have been the longest few years of my life, but that it was just a short period of time and we have forever now. But for now it's just hard to see the big picture and not wish the rest of your life away so that you can be reunited again.

Day by Day

For the last eight months or so everyday is a new day. People ask me how I deal with this and I tell them I take it a day at a time, because that's how I have to do it. Some days I take it minutes at a time because some days the heartbreak is so intense that it takes all you have to make it through just a few minutes. Everyday is filled with lots of emotions ranging from joy and sadness to anger and frustration. Many days there is unshakable faith and other days there is doubt. Everyday brings lots of reflection on life, on God, on the Gospel. Some days there are so many questions. Questions about why and what I did to deserve this, or what I could have done to prevent it and questions about what I should learn from this. Many days there is doubt, not in God, but in myself. That I might not be a good mother, so I couldn't have this baby. That there was something wrong with me. Doubt that I might not have more kids in the future, and that is a crushing feeling, to feel like your entire purpose for being here is gone, taken away. Days when I know Mitch and Libby are being neglected, but I'm in such a deep fog that I can't do any better. Days that I feel I'm just getting by. But the days always seem to have joy and happiness as well. Days I know I'm being carried by a Higher Being because I couldn't do it on my own. Days when all I can do is hold a prayer in my heart that things will get a little easier. That the pain will subside some, but not go away completely because that's when we forget the blessings that come through trials.

Experts say that to truly grieve and get through the process it's best to understand the grieving process, so I've been doing a lot of studying lately. And when you understand that there must be pain to have joy and happiness it all starts making a bit more sense.

"If we could be promised we would never experience the terrible pain of
loss but would have to relinquish our capacity for love in the process, who
would make the trade? Perhaps the first step in learning to live with grief is
the awareness that love is, indeed, worth the price we have to pay for it."
-Deanna Edwards

So for me, I'll live day by day, taking the joy and the pain, because the joy far outweighs the pain in eternity. If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing, just try to love and enjoy Graham even more.

Graham's Birth Story

I thought I better get this all written down before I forget everything completely. I think it has been better for me to have a few weeks to look back and remember the important things before I wrote this all down.

It all started on a Saturday, May 22nd to be exact. We had moved the date up to be started because we felt it was the right thing to do, it was better for my health and we had a better chance at delivering natural if we moved the date up, and looking back this was the time. We left Coalville and headed towards Salt Lake to meet up with my parents and hand Mitch and Libby over for the weekend. We got to University of Utah a while before my parents and so we just walked around with the kids, they played on the escalator, which wasn't the safest thing to do, but Mike and I's minds were somewhere else. My parents met up with us and we got the kids switched around and then we headed up to Labor and Delivery. My mind was racing, but really I was calm and peaceful. We got checked in and got all the usual stuff done like an IV and all that fun stuff. Mike found his chair that he would spend many hours in and he was freaking out a little because it didn't even recline. So we laughed that this was probably going to be the most expensive hospital stay we've had and the smallest and worst chair he's ever seen yet. (Luckily they had a cot brought in for him later.)

The intial plan was to try and turn Graham to a breach position because Dr. Draper felt like that might relieve a lot of pressure off his head during delivery. I was pretty nervous for that especially once the doctors came in to ultrasound and get an idea of how they were going to do this. Dr. Draper was flying in from a conference and so he wasn't able to be there to turn the baby, but his partner Dr. Porter was going to do the procedure. He came in once and felt around and said that it wasn't going to be a problem to turn Graham. The were trying to round up all the nurses and other residents to help with the procedure and in the meantime Graham had dropped enough that they couldn't get him turned, they didn't even try because they knew it wasn't worth the risk. I have to admit I was pretty happy about that. I had been contracting on my own during all that time and they really felt like things were moving along quickly and that we would probably have a baby late in the night. I thought "Wow, this is going to go smoother than I thought." They got me hooked up and started and we were waiting for active labor to start. I have to admit that I was so peaceful during this entire time. I thought that the anticipation would be overwhelming, but everything was so calm.

Time went on and on and on and on. I was at a 2 and stayed there all night. I was having hard contractions every 2 minutes and they kept turning the PIT up but I wasn't dialating. The nurse sent the anethesiologist in to get paperwork and everything done so that when I was ready they could just come put the epidural in. Before we knew that anything was wrong with Graham I had decided that I didn't want an epidural because it didn't fully work with Libby and I just decided that I could do it naturally, but I changed my mind because I didn't want to feel the pain with Graham, I wanted to be able to enjoy the time that we had. The anesthesiologist came in around 1 or 2 a.m. and she thought that I wanted the epidural then, so we put it in just in case she got busy later on. So the epidural worked well for a while and then I had problems with it only working on one side. By morning time there was still no baby, still at a 2 and I was starting to get really uncomfortable. I had a lot of back labor and I was starting to feel more in my stomach as well. My parents came in with the kids and they were hanging out thinking that I would have this baby anytime. I was getting tired and frustrated and I was in pain. Finally at around 11:45 I had the nurse and doctor come in and check me. I was ready to push and Dr. Draper was 15 minutes away. The epidural wasn't doing much and I was in so much pain, maybe that was a good thing because I didn't have any time to freak out. All I could focus on was trying not to push a baby out. Mike was getting pretty nervous now. Everyone was in the room ready to go. The NICU team was in the room just to look over the baby because we had decided not to send Graham to the NICU, the nurses were in and ready to go and Dr. Draper showed up in his church clothes and changed quicly. The doctors on call hadn't broke my water because they were afraid I wouldn't make it for Dr. Draper, so this was a new experience for me. I started pushing without my water broken. Mike was a little confused about how you knew if your water broke and my mom and I both told him it was a big gush of water. Well when my water broke it was a BIG gush of water and Mike realized that I knew when my water broke. The delivery was hard, but still not long, maybe 10 minutes of pushing. Graham came out and all I wanted to know was how he was. When they handed him of he was taking a breath and as soon as they had him suctioned he started screaming, something we had never expected him to do. I could see the NICU team assessing him and I could hear the neonatologist asking Mike what he wanted to do. I was bleeding a lot and a little worried because the doctors were having a hard time finding where the blood was coming from. Peace was in the room amid all the chaos. My nurse, Mar, was amazing during the entire experience. She was trying to calm me and get me all taken care of. The doctors were making progress and things were slowing down when decision time came.

The neonatologist came to talk to me know to see what we wanted to do with Graham, send him to the NICU or keep him. She told us that they saw everything that they had expected, but that he was much more vigorous than they expected and so she thought they should take him and see how he did. That was the hardest decision of my life to make. How do know what to do when a doctor is asking whether they should try and save your child or give you time with your child before he dies. We knew what we had to do, we knew that we wanted the time with him, but my head wanted to send him off and see if they could really save him. I knew in my heart what the outcome was and that we needed to keep him with us. So we chose to spend as much time as we could with him. They wrapped him up and we finally got to hold him. He was perfect. There were obvious problems, but he was finally here and he was perfect. We brought Mitch and Libby in so that they could meet him and we could have our own little family time. They took right to him, even Libby who didn't like him to begin with. And then we brought our families in and we blessed him there. And we had a photographer come to take pictures. And we enjoyed all our time with him. We held him and tried to take in everything we possibly could in that short time.

And that's Graham's birth story, how he made his grand arrival. And as I look back I long for more time, and I think if I went back I would hold him the entire time and not share, but I know that Graham didn't spend one more minute on earth than he was supposed to. Heavenly Father gave us the miracle of a few hours to have, and that was all the time we needed, though it never seems enough. He gave us peace and comfort and time to get to know our child. And when the time was right Graham left peacefully to his Heavenly Home but he stayed close to us and is still near now. And as I look back, things were perfect, everyone that needed to be there was and I wouldn't change a thing.

Thankful

Today was our first Sunday back in our own ward. It was an odd day back and I really wasn't too excited to be back to our old church routine. I'm having a hard time with every daily event that we return to. Our lives keep moving forward and I'm not ready. I'm not ready for things to change, to try and go back to what things were before Graham. Needless to say today was one of those days that I didn't want to get back into. I really wanted to go to church, just not back to our ward, not yet. But we went and of course we heard exactly what we needed to hear today. The Spirit was there and touched my heart. We heard from Bishop Keller and President Gwynn today. They both had excellent messages. I was reminded of what a great blessing the Gospel is to us. I was reminded that if we don't keep pushing ahead and trying to be better each day that we will only fall behind. I was reminded that one of my children has made it to the Celestial Kingdom, so I can't get lazy now. I was reminded how much my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love me. How Their grace saves me everyday. How they carry me when I feel I can't walk any farther and they suffer right along with me because they only know it's for my growth and benefit. I was reminded that They know me better than I know myself and they know the Plan. They know the beginning from the end and how this all fits together.

I've thought over the last few weeks about the Pre-mortal life and what we might have been like then. And after our meeting today I am confident that we chose our paths in life. That I stood up and said that I would do my part to give Graham his body and that I would give him back to his Heavenly Father. I'm sure that Mike and I made this decision there. But now we have no recollection of that. We're not sure why we had to give our son back so soon. The questions arise as to why and how and what could we have done different to have Graham here with us. But today the answer was given, again, that we knew we could do this. That Graham has a greater purpose on the other side of the veil. So today I'm especially thankful for the knowledge we have. For the knowledge that we came to Earth to be tried and tested. We knew it wouldn't be easy, it wasn't meant to be. Some of our trials would be harder than others, some would make us choose to be converted to the Gospel or to turn away. And so this trial in our life has been our greatest so far. It has been a testimony builder. It has made us better, stonger people, and I am thankful. I'm thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ who never leave our sides, who let us suffer some for our benefit. For the bountiful blessings that they give us. Today I am thankful.

The Prize

Pregnancy has always been an easy thing for me. It's never slowed me down much, I never got sick, I've never been really big and awkward, I've really never minded being pregnant. With Graham that changed. I was sick from the beginning and once the morning sickness was over I still didn't feel good, I got uncomfortable early on, I still didn't get really big, but bigger than I had ever been before, and I knew the entire time that I wouldn't get the prize in the end. I wouldn't get to bring the baby home. The last few weeks there have been lots of babies born, there are always a lot of babies born, but more to those closer to us in our lives. It's definitely a good thing, but it's harder with every baby that's born for me. It's harder for me to be completely happy for them. It's hard for me to see them come home with their prize from a long nine months and I don't have anything to show for my long few months. All I have right now is a few extra pounds and a broken heart.

If people didn't know me they'd never guess that I had just had a baby. Sometimes I just want to scream to the world that I just had a baby, and he died, so be extra nice to me. Cut me a break, because the last few months have been the hardest of my life. So as I was feeling sorry for myself I was trying to find the positive in all of this. Trying to find the lesson I needed to learn. And I ran across a quote today that put things back into perspective. "What you want and what you get are two different things." I wanted the instant gratification of having that baby. But Heavenly Father had other plans. I still get the prize, but it will be long and hard work to get the prize. It's like the long and hard pregnancy. So even though I don't have Graham right now, the great thing is that someday I will. Someday I'll cradle him in my arms again and won't have to let go. So I'll keep my eye on the prize and keep moving down this seemingly long road.

Hawaii Here We Come!!!!

So I broke down and bought our tickets to go to Hawaii for Christmas!!! WOOT!!! My brother Michael is serving a mission in Hawaii and he comes home the first part of December so we decided as a family to spend Christmas break back in Hawaii. I'm so excited! Mike's a little down in the dumps cause he said it "cost him his whole life savings" Hahaha, a little exageration there, oh well, there's a big smile on 3 of our faces tonight. We can't wait to hit the beach for Christmas! (I've got a lot of weight to lose before we hit the beach, wish me good luck!)

A Special Little Spirit

"You're a special Little Spirit," the all-great Master said,

As he gently caressed the dark hair of the Little Spirit's head.

"You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know,

A place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn and grow."

The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head,

And from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheeks did shed.

"Don't you fret now little one, I won't let you stay too long.

I'll bring you back to help Me here, You'll hardly know that you've been gone.

You're my choicest Little Spirit, You're the apple of my eye."

And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.

"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee,

And the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me."

And then the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye.

"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"

"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "But Master you must surely know,

When your Angel came to get me, I didn't want to go.

I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while,

But, Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer earthly trial?"

The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off his knee.

He firmly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with me."

The Little Spirit and his Lord walked slowly hand in had,

As the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.

"Now Lord, I don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home.

But I left in such a hurrry; I left everyone hurting and so alone.

I didn't let my Earthly parents know how much I loved them so.

That I really wanted to be with them, but I knew I had to go.

They feel that they've been cheated, and in a way I want to cry.

Not getting to share anymore than I did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share.

But you need not worry anymore. I'll watch over your loved ones there.

I'll send them loving comfort and a strong and helping hand.

I"ll give peace and light to their aching hearts, so they will understand."

The Little Spirit looked up at his Master and lovingly it said,

"Thank you for explaining it to me," Then he softly bowed his head.

"And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy, that I am here with you.

And that someday we will be a fmaily when they get to heaven too."

"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod. "I'll tell them all that I can."

Then the others came to see the Little Spirit, as the Lord let go of his hand.

He said, "I'll tell them you're Pure, Pure as Heaven's Gold,

That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."

Dear Graham,

It's been just a little over two weeks and I miss you like crazy, my arms are aching to hold you. Your daddy, Mitch and Libby miss you too! We talk about you all the time and reminise on when you were here. How sweet you were, and your sounds, and your spirit. You were so strong, and I'm sure you knew why this had to be this way. You are our miracle baby. Our baby who has taught not only us, but so many, about what this life is really all about. You taught me to be so strong and so brave. To have complete and undying faith that things happen for a reason. To have unwavering faith in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. You taught me how precious life is. How important it is to cherish every moment we have. To love more fully. You taught me that even though life may seem so unfair and so painful, that the joy that can come from these challenges far outweighs the pain and agony we have to suffer. You are my joy, my blessing now and my blessing in the future.

You have been so influential to more people than I could have ever imagined. You have brought many people to Heavenly Father. Your spirit has touched other's souls and made them want to be better. You were a true missionary while you were here and I'm sure you're sharing the gospel in heaven. And I can be a missionary too with your story. You've brought people closer together. You've created bonds between people that will never be broken. And as I look and see so many babies born close to you I have to wonder if they were your buddies in heaven. I'm sure they were. And I'm grateful they're here to remind me of you and what you would be like if you were here. I know you're close, I feel you everyday. Please stay close to us, watch over your brother and sister. Help comfort your mommy and daddy. We love you so much!!! Thank you for being part of our family, and we can't wait until we meet again!

All my love,
Mom

The Teacher

As a teacher I know that my students aren't all the same. They have different personalities and different learning styles. One doesn't grasp the concept the same as another and so as teachers we have to change our teaching style. We have to do one thing for one students and another for another. One style might work well for many, while another style works for a few. Some subjects come easy to some while others struggle. Over the past few months I've been thinking of this analogy when it comes to life. Heavenly Father is the teacher. He knows all the answers. He is the "All-Knowing" teacher, he doesn't just teach in one area like I do. He has different teaching styles to help all of us learn, to perfect ourselves, and to return home. Many can go seemingly through life with trials and lessons that are not always apparent and so to the onlooker seem easy. Others have to struggle with trials that are more visible to other people. Whatever trials we go through, the lesson learned is the same. We all want to return to our Heavenly Father. So I've been putting myself in the student's spot. What is Heavenly Father trying to teach me? And maybe others from Graham and his short life? How is this going to help me to become better? To strive to be better each day so I can return to my Heavenly Home. I don't really understand yet, we're just starting this lesson in life as we speak. I don't know when this class period will be up, but I know that Heavenly Father is trying his hardest to help me learn, and the rest is up to me.
So, I'm going to try and remember all I've learned up to this point. To remember that this lifetime is the time we spend in class. Studying like crazy to learn to we can pass the exam. And here's what Heavenly Father has cemented in my head thus far.

• Heavenly Father loves us more than we know, even when we go through trials that may seem unfair, or unkind on his part. We have to have these individual trials to learn.
• Prayer is mighty powerful.
• Families are forever. Even if we aren't physically together all the time, we rely on everyone to get through life.
• We can't understand everything all at once.
• You wouldn't feel so much pain if you didn't love so much. But there's nothing greater than pure love.
• That people are good, and we shouldn't get stuck looking at the bad in people.
• It's much better to be positive than negative (definitely easier said than done on my part most times.)
• Heavenly Father works through people, let them help you. You can't do this on your own. You need study buddies.
• God is good, he never leaves us, and never sets us up to fail. The failure part only comes to pass if we let it.

So I'm trying to keep this analogy in my head, I'm sure it will stick always. And I'm sure I'll probably use this as a lesson for my kids, and maybe other students in the future. God is good, keep trying and never, never give up.

Real Life

These last few days I feel like I'm in a fog, the dense fog that's really hard to see through. Emotions are really indescribable and I'm trudging on through life right now, trying to find some semblence of that life we had before Graham. Mike went back to work, and that was good to make me find my way back into life, but I still have this blood clot, so I really can't do much yet. My kids have been spoiled like crazy and have played with various friends non-stop, and they don't understand why we need to try and get back to real life. I think they are starting to like this new life, probably because they understand it all much better than me.
It seems odd to me right now, how the last few weeks are so vivid, but yet a blur. How someone can come into your life and exit so quickly. That coming and going part of it is the blur, but the love part of it is vivid. The love part of it makes this hurt so badly. I keep telling myself, it will get better give it some time, but the time drags on when you sit all day, when it rains everyday. I tell myself to keep breathing, to turn to Heavenly Father, He will help you. He does help, He understands, He comforts and He is helping me work this all out in my head. But with returning to real life comes dealing with people. Many are kind and give comforting words and advice. Other are completely unaware of the situation, although I wish they were, so they wouldn't say things that upset me. Most of these people have been from the doctors office and I think really, when someone loses a child, put a big red X on their chart so everyone knows. When I went to the doctor for my blood clot the receptionist asked about my baby. I tried to blow it off, but the wound is still too fresh. Today I got a call from University of Utah. I answered, hoping I might find Dr. Draper on the other line, but it wasn't. It was a postpardum check up. She asked how I was feeling, then if I was nursing and if the baby had been in for a checkup. I was so taken off guard that I just answered yes. I was holding back tears and all I wanted to scream was that there's no baby, he's not here, isn't that on your chart!!!!
So today, I've decided that real life isn't good right now, I'm going to hide from it for another day. I know that we have to deal with all this at some point and time, but today wasn't the day.