So this is the third post for the day, I've been putting off the blogging for a couple weeks, all because of this post. I've had to mull things around in my mind and try and figure out how to write them all down so they make some sense. For the last couple of weeks my mind has continually thought about having opposition in all things and that if we didn't have pain we wouldn't know joy and so on and so forth... and I'm feeling like life definitely is a double edged sword. My mind is stuck on one thought, "what if you can't stand things either way?" I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who has lost two children, one in particular with some special needs. She made the comment that it's extremely hard to lose children with special needs because you hate the outcome one way or another. I can't stand the thought of losing Graham, but I know that he will be whole and perfect, but I also can't stand the thought of Graham suffering through this life, because his body would be broken and I'm sure painful in many ways. I've run every scenario possible through my mind thinking of the outcome and with every outcome I'm still hurting. Hurting because he's gone, or hurting because he's here and I'm feeling selfish for wanting him here. So I feel like I've hit a rut and I'm stuck right now.
I'm dealing with people recognizing I'm pregnant now and have the usual pregnancy questions, but not knowing there are problems. I put on a happy face a tell them it's a boy, due in June, and we are super excited. Then people approach me who know the situation and they ask most of the same questions, but one question, although the same words, changes in meaning "Are you excited?" Let me be clear. We are thrilled to have Graham in our family, even though the outcome wasn't expected to be this way. Even though there is so much pain, there is so much joy. I'm so grateful to have him for the time that we do and I feel like I've known him forever. He already has a little personality, and I don't know if I'm noticing him more this time because of the problems, or if this is one of the blessing that I'm enjoying as his mother, to get to have him and know him during this short time. I saw a quote a few weeks ago that completely sums up my feelings right now about my children, Graham in particular right now.
"While we try to teach our children all about life,
our children teach us what life is all about."
-Angela Schwindt
Quinn, I can't help but sit here reading this with a broken heart of my own. I can relate in a small way from watching my little Colt with his struggles, but they don't begin to compare with Graham's. I can only imagine how your heart must hurt. I agree completely with that quote. They are sent here to teach us. This trial that you have been given says so much about your character. I know that heavenly father sent him to you because he knew that he could trust you. He knew that you would love him no matter what. I pray for you, and hope that your heart can keep some peace as you go through this. I admire you and your strength, watching your baby struggle is the hardest thing any parent can be put through. I can relate to your heart ache and my heart goes out to you, love always- Megan Fields
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