Pity Party

Today I had me a nice pity party. The kicking and screaming, ranting and raving, tantrum throwing kind of pity party. All in my head of course. I cleaned out the spare bedroom that had all of the belongings of the last few months thrown in there. Maternity and regular clothes, Graham's things, and a smorgaborg of many other things. I cleaned it out to the point now that you would never suspect that we've had trauma in our lives the last few months. Everything is put away, in its nice, neat home. But all the while I threw a fit, I really felt like a little kid again. I argued with the Lord, asked why, asked how this all happened. I threw a tantrum about all these stupid clothes, the maternity clothes, that I wish I was still wearing, because that would mean he'd still be here. Then really threw a tantrum about the other clothes, the pre-pregnancy clothes, that come nowhere close to fitting right now. How unfair is all of this????? Really that's what I thought? How unfair is it that I had to give back my baby? And while I came to terms again about WHY I had to give my baby back, I thought, then WHY can't I just go back to my pre-pregnancy body, at least let me be able to put my old clothes back on. Today in my mind, I've been picked on. Today I threw myself a pity party, and I really don't feel too bad about it. Just one of those grieving days, one where I had to get the anger and sadness out for the day. I'll keep reminding myself of why this really is okay, that all the injustices we go through in this life will be made up for in the next. Tomorrow will be better.