Pity Party

Today I had me a nice pity party. The kicking and screaming, ranting and raving, tantrum throwing kind of pity party. All in my head of course. I cleaned out the spare bedroom that had all of the belongings of the last few months thrown in there. Maternity and regular clothes, Graham's things, and a smorgaborg of many other things. I cleaned it out to the point now that you would never suspect that we've had trauma in our lives the last few months. Everything is put away, in its nice, neat home. But all the while I threw a fit, I really felt like a little kid again. I argued with the Lord, asked why, asked how this all happened. I threw a tantrum about all these stupid clothes, the maternity clothes, that I wish I was still wearing, because that would mean he'd still be here. Then really threw a tantrum about the other clothes, the pre-pregnancy clothes, that come nowhere close to fitting right now. How unfair is all of this????? Really that's what I thought? How unfair is it that I had to give back my baby? And while I came to terms again about WHY I had to give my baby back, I thought, then WHY can't I just go back to my pre-pregnancy body, at least let me be able to put my old clothes back on. Today in my mind, I've been picked on. Today I threw myself a pity party, and I really don't feel too bad about it. Just one of those grieving days, one where I had to get the anger and sadness out for the day. I'll keep reminding myself of why this really is okay, that all the injustices we go through in this life will be made up for in the next. Tomorrow will be better.

Testimony

These last few weeks I've been amazed by my little kid's testimonies. How sweet and simple they are, yet they are rock solid, no questions, just pure faith. They talk openly about Graham, and how happy he probably is, and that someday they'll see him again. And I have to remind myself of those things. That Graham is happy, doing other things, but cheering us on in our earthly journey. And that we will see him again, someday, which seems like forever, but this life is only a small moment in eternity. A few years ago I was the primary pianist and we sang a sweet little song, that's stuck in my mind. Especially because my heart would melt when Mitch would sing it.

I know that Jesus lives, and that he loves me.
I know the Prophet leads our Church and guides me.
I know the Book of Mormon is a witness of Jesus Christ.
I know the Gospel is true.
The Gospel is true.

I've thought about my testimony and my faith especially the last week or so. How much my testimony has grown, and yet how feeble I feel sometimes. How keeping the faith is crucial in getting past our trials. How Satan knows that these are the times to work on us, when we're struggling the most. I keep being reminded of an Ensign article that talks about the early Church members and their spritual experiences in Kirtland, some even seeing Jesus Christ, and yet they turned away from the Church later on, letting their testimonies wean away to nothing. And I don't want to do that. I want to stay strong. I have a good reason to make it back to be with Graham. Boost your testimony in any ways possible, stay positive, read good material, and the best thing for me is to listen to hymns. Keep the faith, hold to the rod, and keep those child like attributes, like a simple, rock solid testimony.

One of my favorite Hymns right now, keeps me going during my darkest times.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: They best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, they confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When dissappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

People and Promptings

This week I've talked to a lot of people about different experiences. I've heard lots of stories of people helping one another by simply listening to a prompting. A prompting that might seem simple, or strange, or not make a bit of sense, but yet these people chose to follow the promptings. And mighty miracles were brought to pass by people listening and acting on those promptings. I know that my testimony of people and promptings has been strengthened with our experience with Graham. How we would reap such great blessings from simple acts of kindness, or cards in the mail, or e-mails and phone calls, and I don't know if those people had a prompting or just did it on their own, but I know that there were days that I needed that so much. And then I think how many times do I ignore promptings? How many times to I tell myself that it would be stupid if I did that because maybe that person doesn't even know me, or the prompting really doesn't make any sense, but yet I know that I need to be better at following those promptings. Because sometimes there is only one chance for this little prompting to be fulfilled, and if you don't do it the opportunity is gone for good. So I'm going to try and follow those promptings a little better, remembering if the thought pops up to go and do something for someone else, it really should be done.

Perspective

As we go through life lots of things change our perspective in life. Usually trials in our life change our perspective for the better. As we've gone through this trial with Graham, my perspective of life has changed in many ways. I definitely have more of an eternal perspective, one where I know that this life isn't the end and someday we'll be together again. I have a different perspective on raising Mitch and Libby. How it's not really important how good they look or if they do everything right, but more on having more patience, and trying to teach them what is really important in life. I have a different perspective on letting the small things slide by. That there are plenty of things that wait for you in life, and so it's not always important to do them right this second. But yet as my perspectives of life have changed so much sometimes I feel like I'm slipping right back into my old perspectives. Where I'm starting to worry more about the petty stuff, maybe that's just part of life, or maybe now it's my job to start working harder to not let that stuff bug me. Maybe life starts getting a little easier in a sense so we slip back and I'm feeling like it's not such a good thing. One thing's for sure, my perspective of love had grown immeasureably. I love my little family more now that I ever thought was possible. And that's one thing that's not going to go backwards.

Gone but Not Forgotten

Today I was putting a few odds and ends away in Graham's box of stuff. And as I sat there going through a few things I was bothered, bothered that now that Graham is gone I put his things away, in a spare bedroom, out of sight. I did this for many reasons, protection and safety obviously because we have so few things that I couldn't bear for any of them to be lost or broken. But also out of sight, I think, for my healing, I don't think I could always look at everything everyday. I already see a lot everyday, it seems that everytime I go in there I sit and rummage through a few things. But it seems that when things are out of sight we seem to forget. It bothered me that I would forget a lot, that eventually my kids might forget who Graham is, and that in reality, so many people will forget Graham, or never even knew he existed. Maybe it's a good thing that people don't know or that as time goes on it's not a painful subject that is brought up, but the fact is that I don't ever want to forget Graham, I want everyone to know him. I want people to know that his mission was short, but so sweet and very influential. That his life changed mine completely. He came in part to make me a better person, and that his life was way too good to be forgotten.

Though Hard to You This Journey May Appear

I read this post from CJane this morning. Exactly what I needed today. Read it here. Keep the faith, all is well.

Come, Come Ye Saints

Come, come, ye Saints, no toil or labor fear;
But with joy wend your way
Though hard to you this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell
All is well! All is well!

Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell
All is well! All is well!

We'll find a place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.
We'll make the air with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell
All is well! All is well!

And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell
All is well! All is well!