A New Meaning to Memorial Day

Memorial Day is changed in my book forever. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be visiting my child's grave. I guess it's very fitting that Graham's birthday is so close to this holiday, but this holiday will never have the same meaning again.
It's not just a three day weekend anymore. It's not just a time for BBQ's or camping or playing. It's a time that we remember those who have fought for our freedoms as a country and a time that we remember and honor those who have passed on.

As a kid I remember Memorial Day weekend very well. My mom was very good at taking us to the various cemetaries to decorate graves. I'm sure she was so good at doing this because she lost her mom at a young age. As I talked to my mom this weekend we talked about one headstone in particular that me and my brothers found every year. It was a headstone of a young boy, and it was him sleeping in his bed with lots of toys surrounding him. I always loved looking at it because it was so different than any other headstone that I had seen before. And now as I am picking out headstones for my own son I know his headstone won't be that extravagent, but I hope that my children will learn and remember the importance of this holiday. The importance of remembering those who have passed before us. And that although we never thought we would lose a child, I hope that we can reflect every year on the good memories that we have of Graham.

One Week

Today has been one week since Graham was born. It's been a whirlwind of a week. One where time has no meaning, because it's been the longest week of my life, but yet I can't believe how quickly time has gone by. It's been a week full of more emotions that I can even describe. It seems like we've felt enough happiness and pain to last us a lifetime. And as I sat all week mulling everything through my mind and trying to adjust to our new life, I can't decide where I'm at yet. It's still early, lots of time to heal and to recoup both physically and emotionally, but I definitely have a love/hate relationship with this new life.

I've had lots of time to sit this last couple of days, since a blood clot has thrown me another punch to the gut (seriously, all I can say is I can't one thing to go right for me right now). I've watched lots of t.v. and read lots on the internet and looked at lots of pictures and I'm trying to stay positive, trying to find the good in this situation, because it's too easy to see the bad and then I just fall to pieces. So as I watched Parenthood yesterday I thought, "well, see now Graham is perfect and I won't have to deal with the typical teenage years, and when I get to raise him he won't cause me so much grief." Well that thought helped some. And I've read lots of blogs, many from mothers who have been in my situation before, and they are celebrating new babies born to their families this week, and my heart melts for them that they've overcome this dark cloud and gives me some hope for what may be for us in the future. And as I read on blog post in particular I was captured and it was so true. Read the entire blog post here. Kellye has a daughter with down syndrome and she's adjusting to her new life, where disappointments have manifest themselves from the beginning. But this is what I love about this post.

"But, here's the thing. Once you become a parent...once you start feeling a
little funny and you buy that pregnancy test...once you see a pink plus
sign...once you know it's not just you anymore...well, you automatically carry
around, for the rest of your life, an increased likelihood. To have your heart
broken. And it's a constant fear that we struggle to put to rest. And we can
choose to be afraid or we can choose to live. And I choose to live. Because an
"increased likelihood of having your heart broken" also carries with it an
increased likelihood to find yourself the happiest you've ever been in life."

And as I reflected on pictures of Graham this week I know we made the right decision. It was the hardest decision we've ever had to make. And I've thought all week, what if I would have just saved him, they said they could have, but then I remember that he would have been in pain, and wouldn't have had much of a life, and even then his life would be short lived. So we made the decision that we knew would break our hearts, but with this decision came the greatest blessing that has brought our family so much happiness. And has reminded us to savor each day, to enjoy life to the fullest, to not sweat the small stuff, to love more and hate less, and to be a little better each day. Because someday we'll be reunited and the happiness and joy that we will feel that day will more than compensate for the heartbreak we feel now.

Opposition in All Things

We know that part of our earthly test will be to learn opposition in all things. Some are simple, like good from evil, right and wrong. But this week I've had a major dose of learning opposition in all things and how trials can bring you closer to God or drive you away. I've never in my life experienced such opposition. Such pure joy and happiness and yet the fiercest pain and sadness. Strength and weakness. Sweetest hellos and bitter goodbyes. Faith and doubt. Health and sickness. Yet through it all my Heavenly Father has blessed us immensely because we chose to turn to him. He gave us unweilding comfort when we felt that we couldn't be comforted. He gave us time with Graham, which we always want more, but in reality it was all the time we needed for this life. He's blessed us with amazing family and friends that lift us up in our darkest moments. And He has blessed us with more understanding of why we are here and what our missions are while on Earth. So I'm grateful for our trials, and for the experience of learning opposition in all things, while they may be the most painful we've encountered so far, they are by far the happiest and most blessed times in our lives as well. If we can keep our faith in our Heavenly Father during our trials we will always be blessed, during and after the trial.

Faith in something greater than ourselves, enables us to do what
we have said we'll do, to press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid, to
keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is entirely
uncertain.”

~ GORDON B. HINCKLEY

Michael Graham Lindsay

Michael Graham Lindsay

Born May 23, 2010

Salt Lake City, UT

5 pounds, 8 ounces

17 1/2 Inches long

Dearest Baby,

May you know, our Greatest blessing
was having you.

Baby Graham made his grand arrival this weekend on Sunday at 12:17 p.m., and what a joy he has been. Graham has been a fighter from the beginning and he fought clear until the end. After a long and hard labor and delivery he came out screaming, one thing we hadn't expected. He was bright and vibrant and we were so excited to finally get to meet him. He grumbled and growled and cried and gave us the "ninja eye" and didn't like having his picture taken. He loved grasping onto our fingers and being held close by all. He looked a lot like Mitch, but he's unique to our family because he was a blondie, lots of hair, but really light. He was perfect. He is truly one of our greatest blessings.

Our journey with Graham has been full of tender mercies from our Heavenly Father, and He surely granted us many tender mercies on Sunday. He gave us lots of time with Graham, about 5 1/2 hours, and he made time stand still. Although we never feel like we have all the time we wanted, we got the time that we needed for our family to really get to know eachother and to enjoy our precious time together here on earth. We were all blessed with peace and comfort, and Graham was surely not in pain while he was here. We were blessed in so many ways and we had such a joyous day, we were buoyed up by many prayers from family and friends. Graham returned to his Heavenly Father around 5:45 p.m. to complete his mission in heaven. Truly, we have been blessed and taught much from Graham and his example to us.

We will be meeting with family and friends on Wednesday night, May 26, from 7-8 p.m. at Hawker Funeral home. We will then have a family graveside service on Thursday. We are truly grateful for our family and friends and those who have followed Graham's journey. We were so greatly blessed by all the prayers and service given on our behalf.

Final Preparations

Today was a busy day. It started out with a trip to the doctor. Then some errands to a few stores buying the last few things for the hospital and getting the kids a hospital bag ready to keep them busy. And trying to find the last few things for Graham, like white preemie socks, which have been really hard to find around here. Making phone calls to photographers to be at the hospital, only to capture our hello and goodbye in such a short period of time. Then we went to the funeral home to set up arrangements for Graham and services that will follow. What a weird thing to do. It just seemed so wrong to be looking at programs and caskets and burial plots while my baby still kicks inside me through the entire meeting. So wrong to be planning to put him to rest before he's even made his entrance into the world. But it is what it is and this is what we can do for him. His burial outfit was already at the funeral home, it's so little and so precious. So many emotions and so little time left before Graham makes his grand arrival. And yet we're so excited to meet him, and I'm so glad to have way more things to do to get ready than I have time. It keeps me from overthinking everything.

All I Can Give

This past week, I've been trying to get hospital bags ready, and I would wash one thing a day, I couldn't really seem to handle more than that. And then I would fold everything neatly and make a pile on my dresser. Well the pile is finished, and as I sit and look at it everyday I keep thinking, this is all I'm going to get to give Graham in this life. It's all material stuff, which really doesn't matter, but it's been on my mind lately.

Maybe I'm feeling this way because I'm feeling a little empty. It's a weird feeling getting ready to have a baby with no nursery, no carseat, no diapers, not even a binki. But what really matters is how much love we can give Graham, and that is infinite. We might not be able to give Graham much here on earth as parents, but we'll give him what we can. But Graham has given us so much more. He has given us more purpose in life, more reason to be better people, more love for our family, and a better understanding of our Heavenly Father's plan. So I can help bring Graham into this world for a short time, to receive a body and complete his earthly mission, and Graham will have my heart forever.

The Miracle of Service

Service is an easy thing for me to do for someone else, I love helping other people, but why is it so hard to accept from someone else? Maybe it's because I'm too stubborn, I feel like I'm okay and can handle things on my own, maybe it's the realization that I can't do everything and that sometimes things aren't okay. I don't like this realization that things aren't okay and that right now, I just can't do everything by myself. So I'm thankful for the angels that have served us so far in our journey. For dinners and letters and phonecalls and gifts. They mean the world to us. They give me some strength to keep going, for a little longer, and they keep me from getting too frustrated along the way. This has been a hard week and boy, the service has come in, from people that are just moved by the Spirit to help, who don't know all the nitty gritty details, and I'm truly grateful, and I'm trying to learn another much needed lesson on how to accept service.

Answers to Prayers

God is good, God is loving and He never, never leaves our side. And always seems to answer in unexpected ways. Often times using people as his tools, and this has been the case for us this week. This week we went to the University of Utah Hospital to meet with Dr.Draper to set up final plans for delivery and such. I've been impressed with Dr. Draper from the very beginning phone calls, and really felt thankful for him. So as we headed south on Wednesday, I was pretty anxious to be able to plan anything at all. I had already been to the doctor early that morning for a non-stress test and so I was a little tired as well. And as I walked in the front entrance to the hospital my heart started racing. Lots of people. Lots of sick people, some on stretchers, some in wheelchairs, and lots of people there for support. We made it into the ultrasound room where we had a great U/S Tech. I knew a lot of what she was looking at, but she still went through and explained everything and Mike was really glad for that, because he's still not sure what he's looking at. After doing the regular ultrasound she changed to the 3D/4D wand trying to get a better idea of what the encephalocele looked like size wise. Graham was being a stinker. He let them see his head, but wouldn't show his face, so they were unable to get the image they wanted. And I was so excited to be able to see him a little bit, but I guess he's wanting it to be a surprise. We first met with Dr. Kennedy. She came back in and did another ultrasound herself being very particular and sweet with her cute British accent. She was amazing, she gave us straight forward answers and information and didn't sugarcoat it in anyway, answer to prayers, part one. I have been praying to just know a little more on what we can expect with Graham. I needed to be less confused. I needed to feel like I had as much information as I could to make decisions that would affect my own child's mortality, and now we have the answer. We then went to meet with Dr. Draper. The nurse wanted to take my vitals and weight which meant that I had to get on the scale TWICE in one day, which should be outlawed for any pregnant woman. It's not fun! Dr. Draper walked in and asked us the usual questions and then we got into some of the nitty gritty. I have been so worried about having a c-section. Mostly fear of the unknown I guess. But after talking to Dr. Draper the risks are the same for Graham whether we do a c-section or vaginal delivery, so we opted to try vaginally first. He gave us his personal opinion to what he thought was best and what he would do if this were his wife or daughter, he would avoid the c-section. Answer to prayers, part two. I have just wanted to a doctor to tell me what they would do if this were them and up to this point no one could tell me because they seems as confused as I was. We talked about decisions once Graham was here, we talked about religious beliefs, as he is LDS as well, we talked about having the kids there and what they would see, and we tried to set a date. We learned more that day than we have in the last 7 months, and that was an answer to our prayers. So we have our plans for the delivery date, now I just need to make it that far. As we left the hospital that day, I was in a little bit of a daze, there was a lot of information to take in. A lot to think about. A lot to handle physically and emotionally and it's taken a couple of days to really digest it all and understand what is going to happen that day. We look forward to that day to meet our sweet little boy, but by heart is dreading it as well, knowing that this will be the end, until we can be together again.

"Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said, "We are here in mortality, and the only
way to go is through; there isn't any around!" I would add, the only way to get
through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I
prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Trials and our New Lives

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E

I've been an avid reader of NieNie for the last year or so, she is amazing. She is a good example of dealing with trials. As I watched this video, my heart ached for her, and yet in ways I know that we have our own trials for a reason. Some trials are life-changing like Nie's, others aren't quite as significant. I know our trials are given to us, that we shouldn't want to trade others, because our trials are just for us. It's the refiners fire, and nothing is easy, but worth it in the end. After we go through the trial, maybe even during we are grateful, for some reason, for the trial. I am grateful for my trials, I wouldn't trade, I wouldn't change anything, I wouldn't go back to my old life, even as nice as it sounds, and might even feel some days. I am grateful for Graham, for his short time here with us, for the strength he has given me, for the things he has taught me, for bringing me closer to my Heavenly Father and strengthening my testimony. And as his grand arrival nears, we are so excited to see him, to hold him and to love him. He has changed our lives for the better and has been such a blessing already. And as I know this trial is far from over this scripture gives me comfort.

And whoso receiveth
you, there I will be also, for I will go before your
face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels
round about you, to bear you up.

D&C 84:88