The Lindsay Chronicles

"Come what may and love it." -Joseph B. Worthlin

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Naive

Many women have said after they lost a child that they often look back at their old selves and think, "I was so naive, I had no idea what was coming." I'm thinking the same of the Pre-Graham Quinn, except I was so naive for thinking that I could try and prepare myself for this life-changing event. That I knew exactly how I would feel and that I would be able to save myself some grieving time. It is such a weird thing to anticipate the birth and death of your child in such a short period of time. And it's odd to me how in a second your life can change. I loved Graham from the minute I knew he was coming to our family. Thought that I loved him all I could while I was pregnant. I tried to squeeze a lifetime of love into a few short months. But how naive of me, because the moment I saw Graham that love grew infinitely. The love that I thought I had for him seemed like nothing. And the greater the love, the greater the pain. So as I look back to the old me, I think "wow, I thought I knew what was coming, but I had no clue." No clue that this one day would turn my life upside down. That the emotions I thought I had prepared myself to be the worst are really the easiest to deal with. I didn't anticipate the fog, and the absolute helplessness that would come with losing Graham. I didn't anticipate the depth of sorrow, nor the paralyzing fear. I was naive, but now I know better. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I ever imagined, and that I'm a better person because of Graham. He made me so strong and less naive in the loss area of my life.

2 comments:

  1. You've done your best both with Graham in and Graham out. It's interesting to hear the perspective. Thanks for sharing. You had such a 'mother's love and glow' when I saw you with Graham in the hospital- like there wasn't even anything wrong. It looked so natural and strong, those moments have taught me much. So (of course this is easy for me to say because I'm not in your shoes) but if the pain is as much as the love I saw- it's got to be really hard. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your perspective uplifts me, Quinn! :) You help me to cherish the every day moments that otherwise, I might not have. :) My heart aches when I read of your pain, I pray for your comfort.

    ReplyDelete