Pregnancy has always been an easy thing for me. It's never slowed me down much, I never got sick, I've never been really big and awkward, I've really never minded being pregnant. With Graham that changed. I was sick from the beginning and once the morning sickness was over I still didn't feel good, I got uncomfortable early on, I still didn't get really big, but bigger than I had ever been before, and I knew the entire time that I wouldn't get the prize in the end. I wouldn't get to bring the baby home. The last few weeks there have been lots of babies born, there are always a lot of babies born, but more to those closer to us in our lives. It's definitely a good thing, but it's harder with every baby that's born for me. It's harder for me to be completely happy for them. It's hard for me to see them come home with their prize from a long nine months and I don't have anything to show for my long few months. All I have right now is a few extra pounds and a broken heart.
If people didn't know me they'd never guess that I had just had a baby. Sometimes I just want to scream to the world that I just had a baby, and he died, so be extra nice to me. Cut me a break, because the last few months have been the hardest of my life. So as I was feeling sorry for myself I was trying to find the positive in all of this. Trying to find the lesson I needed to learn. And I ran across a quote today that put things back into perspective. "What you want and what you get are two different things." I wanted the instant gratification of having that baby. But Heavenly Father had other plans. I still get the prize, but it will be long and hard work to get the prize. It's like the long and hard pregnancy. So even though I don't have Graham right now, the great thing is that someday I will. Someday I'll cradle him in my arms again and won't have to let go. So I'll keep my eye on the prize and keep moving down this seemingly long road.
Brothers On Maps
2 days ago
Quinn I just wanted you to know how inspired I am by you.. I have read your blog often lately and I am just amazed at your strength and courage to push through this. I am sure it is difficult but your quote today was perfect, God always has his own plan. How luck we are to have the gospel in our lives and know that there is eternity and that we will be with loved ones once again.
ReplyDeleteLaressa
Quinn,
ReplyDeleteOh how I wish you had your precious prize Right. Now. I know there are blessings that come with our trials, but I would much prefer you be able to skip the hard stuff and feel only the blessings.
Please forgive me if sharing the following is inappropriate...
One of my most vivid memories is looking for a dress the night before the funeral. I was still healing physically from the birth, had those extra pounds, and nothing fit me. I tried on so many dresses and not one worked. A few minutes before the mall closed, I was on the verge of an emotional collapse. I came out of the dressing room and said something about my "baby weight" to Roger.
A woman standing there took one glance at me, one at our 1 year old, and shot me a look that seemed to say, "You're not still using that excuse when your baby is 1, are you?"
I have never been closer to screaming in a public place than in that moment. I wanted her to know what I was going through and make her squirm for her judgment.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than to tell you I am thinking about you a lot these days. Praying that in all those moments, all those times you want to scream in public, that angels will bare you up and that you will be surrounded by loving family and friends. Cause sometimes the eternal plan (that we are so grateful for) isn't that comforting in those moments.
I'm thinking of you guys all the time. I'm sorry this is the way things are. You have such a broad and great perspective and talent for pulling yourself up- I wish I had that like you do. I wish you could be holding Graham right now too, you deserve it but you'll still deserve it when it finally happens again. Thanks for sharing your heart, it is a strength to me.
ReplyDeleteHi Quinn, I cant imagine how hard this past few months have been for you. But in my opinion you have one of the greatest prizes of all. Your baby made it! He has made it to the celestrial kingdom, and you are absolutly right, you will hold him someday and raise him. You will have the time with him. Hang in there and if there is anything I can do for you let me know. My prayers are with you.
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