Today I woke up earlier than usual and started getting a few things done before we left for Mitch's tennis camp. I was tired, but that's nothing new. We hopped in the car and headed to town when I felt like a ton of brick hit me. It's been one month since we had Graham. I had been dreading this day for the past week. The anticipation of it scared me, so when I woke up this morning and didn't remember I was a little surprised. But I can say that when it hit me this morning I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut, like reality was really hitting me now. I had a baby, and he's gone. I've had a pit in my stomach all day. I've been trying to distract myself with anything I can possibly find. I bought Mitch and Libby a bunch of water toys for the yard today, hoping I would be distracted with them. I tried to get lots of yard work done. But my thoughts run rampant. I miss him like crazy. I wonder why, a lot. I hear people tell me all the time how much Graham has taught them and all I can think is why him? Why did he have to do this? Why do I have to do this? Why can't I just have him? And today the understanding isn't there. I don't understand much today, I just hurt. My arms are empty and my heart is feeling a little empty too. I ran across a blog today talking about how hard it is to me a mom. How sometimes there's nothing we can do to make us or our children feel better, but the happiness and joy we do feel is worth all the pain. And as I thought about this I thought to myself, "Is it really worth it to be a mom? Is it really worth all this pain?" And as I reflected at pictures of Graham and Libby sleeping on the couch I thought, "YES! It's all worth it. The joy and the pain. I'm so glad I have my kids, all of them, and even though Graham is gone, I'm so thankful he is ours, that we got 5 hours with him, and that we get him again someday. Graham was worth it, if that's all I understand, I guess that's all I need.
"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
-Jeffrey R. Holland
Brothers On Maps
2 days ago
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish there was something I could do, or someone else could do to make it all better, but I know there really isn't. There isn't a day that goes by that I haven't thought of you. You have such faith in the Lords work and I know that he will bless you for this. Please call me if I can help in any way. I can't imagine the heart break you go through each day. You are a wonderful mother, and your children love you so much. You are truly an example to me each time I read your daily blogs. Continue to write your feelings down. I have heard from others that have lost children in the past that writing is very therapeutic to them. Take care and hugs from our family. :)
ReplyDeleteBeing a mom is so worth it, especially when you can watch your child handle disappointments that arise in their life with such grace, dignity, and faith. You bring joy to me and I am amazed by your strength and courage daily. I love you!
ReplyDeleteQuinn, I have logged onto your blog a couple of different times. I cry each time I do. For your loss, for mine. Your empty arms and aching heart is the loneliest feeling in the world. Can I come see you?
ReplyDelete